Act I – In an office. I can’t be bothered to described it. Just imagine a bloody office. Dave is greeting Anteros, who’s there for a job interview.

Dave: Good morning, Anteros, thanks for coming in today. Take a seat.

Anteros: Morning.

Dave: Now, just a little about how this interview is going to go. We like to keep it all fairly informal, so we’ll just be chatting about you, about the jo…

Anteros: I’m asexual

Dave: Sorry?

Anteros: I don’t feel sexual attraction.

Dave: Okaaaay, that’s probably a bit more informal than I had in mind. We’ll be talking about what you have to offer the company and what…

Anteros: It’s legal for you to discriminate against me.

Dave: What?

Anteros: You can refuse to give me the job and say it’s because I don’t feel sexual attraction. That’s completely legal.

Dave: Right, well that’s not one of the criteria we’re using to judge applicants, so let’s not worry too much about that, eh?

Anteros: Are you saying you don’t discriminate against asexuals?

Dave: No, why would we?

Anteros: Right, then how many asexuals do you currently have working for you?

Dave: I have no idea. That isn’t the kind of thing we ask staff here.

Anteros: So you don’t even do basic equality monitoring. You don’t know how many people you employ are ace-spectrum?

Dave: Sorry, what spectrum?

Anteros [sighing]: Ace-spectrum. Asexuals, aromantics, agender folx, demisexuals, semisexuals, apogender, double-non-binary…

Dave: Ah, we monitor the number of non-binary employees as part of our DEI, and our latest report shows…

Anteros [getting angry]: Not ‘non-binary’, you bigot, ‘double-non-binary’… Those of us who reject the concept of there being a non-binary slash binary binary to be non-binary from.

Dave: I’m sorry, what?

Anteros: It’s all a spectrum. A beautiful spectrum.

Dave: Right. Well. Moving on with the interview…

Anteros: What’s the point, when you’re so obviously biased against aces?

Dave: Biased against them? I didn’t know they were a thing until two minutes ago!

Anteros: Yes, because you didn’t put in the emotional labour to educate yourself. You waited and demanded I do it instead. Classic bigot behaviour!

Dave: Come on, be fair, how was I supposed to educate myself about something I didn’t… no, no, forget it. We’re losing sight of our purpose here. Let’s get back to the interview. Tell me a bit about yourself.

Anteros: Well, I’m asexual.

Dave: Yes, I got that. Can you tell me something else about yourself? Where are you working at the moment?

Anteros: Obviously I’m not working, because of the shocking bias against asexuals. Which isn’t even illegal!

Dave: Yes, you already said, but can we please talk about the job?

Anteros: How can I talk about anything else, when somebody could force me into conversion therapy at any time?

Dave: You’re worried that someone is going to try to convert you to wanting sex?

Anteros: Of course!

Dave: Has anybody ever tried?

Anteros: Not so far, no. [Beat] But they could!

Dave: I can see why you’re worried.

Anteros [not noticing the sarcasm]: Plus there’s the constant pressure society applies to have a partner, have kids, respond to sexual stimuli. We’re bombarded with sexualised imagery. It’s probably turned millions of asexuals into prosexuals [beat] against their will. Maybe you were one of them. You might have been born asexual and then converted!

Dave: Well, yes, I do remember getting convert to sexuality. Mainly between the ages of 13 and 18.

Anteros: Yes! You see? Forced conversion has ruined your life!

Dave: It really hasn’t. I’ve been happily married for 20 years.

Anteros: Twenty years? Well why didn’t you say so? You sound like just the kind of person the not-interested-in-sex movement is looking for! Let me tell you about the benefits. We’ve got a flag, and there’s marches, and activism meetings…

[Play full-time whistle, audience goes wild, tears are shed, everyone vows never to have sex again]