This evening, after his press conference attack on the ‘mainstream media’, President Trump e-mailed this out (presumably to those registered as supporters of his campaign).

I really want to look at the survey that’s behind those links, but, right from the off he’s failed. If you want your final data to reveal anything then, at the very least, you need a balanced, representative sample and you don’t tell them the result you want to achieve in the bloody e-mail asking them to take the survey!

Before a single person has even clicked on the link you’ve made your results worthless. On the plus side it means that what comes next doesn’t matter so much…

The survey is here, if you want to play along at home.

The first three questions aren’t too bad. Sure, ‘report fairly’ would have been less ambiguous than ‘fairly report’ and I’d have been more inclined to list multiple news sources and ask, “Which do you trust to report fairly…”, but that’s nit-picking.

A bigger issue is that the campaign, assuming it’s the presidential campaign, finished in November. There was an election and everything. You may have seen something about it on the news.

If you’re one of the people who knows that the campaign is over then which campaign is this talking about? The 2020 campaign? After all, Trump has already registered as a candidate in that election. Maybe it’s the campaign to take on the biased MSM, that was mentioned in the nice e-mail inviting you to take this survey.

Either your survey is out of date or you’re confusing the crap out of people.

Then we take a nose-dive.

The British Polling Council, the body that oversees political polling in the UK, insists that questions are neutral and balanced. This question is neither; there’s no scale, good to bad, for you to say how fairly the mainstream media (a nebulous concept itself, which no attempt has been made to define) presents each issue, there’s not even an option to avoid ticking at least one of the selection offered.

Also, ‘worst’ is a superlative. There can, by definition, only be one worst option, so instructing the respondent to ‘select as many that [sic] apply’ is idiotic.

There follows a question on primary TV news source, which – other than missing an option to say you don’t watch TV news – is reasonably unobjectionable, and then this…

Skipping over the ‘select as many that apply’ (it’s almost as if they couldn’t decide between ‘select all that apply’ and ‘select as many as apply’ and tried to go for both) this question only bothers naming right-wing news sources, none of them in the usual ‘mainstream media’ bundle. The ‘other’ option doesn’t even open a write-in box and, again, there’s no option to say ‘None of the above’ or ‘I don’t read news online’.

What’s strange is that this is counter-productive to the survey’s purpose. If you’re trying to prove that the MSM is biased against you then why railroad your sample into saying that they don’t read it? Why push them towards demonstrably biased and frequently inaccurate news sources, many of them with comparatively tiny online readership?

You’re basically inviting your sample to demonstrate that they’re not very good at evaluating online bias.

The first problem with question 8 is that it’s not a question. There’s a clue in that it ends with a full-stop, rather than a question mark.

More importantly the question is begged – in answering it you inherently accept the two premises it contains, i.e. that Hillary Clinton is lying about sending classified information on (‘from’, surely) her secret sever and that, previously, the press have given her a free pass on this issue. You can, therefore give one of three answers:

• Yes, I agree that the press are still giving lying Hillary a free pass
• No, I think the press are now holding lying Hillary to account
• I have no opinion on the press’ treatment of lying Hillary.

This is the old, “Have you stopped beating your wife?” question, wrapped up in a smart new political suit.

‘No opinion’ is the most pro-Hillary stance you can take on this question. This is important for two reasons:

Firstly, it encourages people who are pro-Clinton to give up, because they can’t express their views.

Secondly, in political polling, it’s common, almost routine, to publish just the answers of those who’ve expressed an opinion.

The next block of questions all follow this pattern:

• Q9, The mainstream media takes Donald Trump’s statements out of context, but bends over backwards to defend Hillary’s statements.
• Q10, The mainstream media failed to cover the fact that Bernie Sanders LEFT the Democrat Party.
• Q11, The mainstream media needs to do more to expose the shady donations to the Clinton Foundation.
• Q12, Political correctness has created biased news coverage of both illegal immigration and radical Islamic terrorism.
• Q13, The RNC was right to drop CNBC as a partner after they failed to fairly moderate the October debate.
• Q14, The mainstream media hardly reported on the fact that our small-dollar fundraising nearly MATCHED Hillary’s Wall Street fundraising machine.
• Q15, The mainstream media played a critical role in electing President Obama and is now attempting to do it again for Hillary Clinton.
• Q16, Contrary to what the media says, raising taxes does not create jobs.
• Q18, American history is being rewritten by “social justice” activists.
• Q19, The media has not done its due diligence to expose ObamaCare’s many failures.
• Q20, The media wrongly attributes gun violence to Second Amendment rights.

And so on.

Some of these are more objectionable that others, but they all present the same, stark, ‘Yes’, ‘No’, ‘No opinion’ options. Some of them could, possibly, be rewritten along the lines of “On a scale of 1 (strongly disagree) to 5 (strongly agree) how much do you agree with the statement…”, but even then many of them are too inherently biased to be useful.

Question 17 is missing from that list, because it deserves a special mention.

This is being asked by the campaign of the man who wanted to ban all Muslim immigration into the US, until we could figure out what was happening. So is this question going to treat a high ‘yes’ vote as ‘Christians have been unfairly characterized” and a high ‘no’ vote as ‘Muslims haven’t been unfairly characterized by the sections of the MSM who say they’re all terrorists’?

This question’s lack of specificity guarantees a winning result either way.

Finally, there’s an even less subtle trick with question 23.

This uses what psychics and fortune tellers call ‘the vanishing negative’. To see its effect we just need to precede the statement with either of the first two answers.

Yes, Americans are not fully aware just how much waste there is in the federal government.

No, Americans are not fully aware just how much waste there is in the federal government.

Both answers mean exactly the same thing. There is literally no way to reject this question.

However, I’ll leave you with this thought…if you think that’s clever consider how different that guaranteed result is when asked during a campaign (as this clearly was) compared to it being asked when you are the Federal Government.

[Addendum]

There’s now an updated questionnaire here. They’ve removed references to ‘the campaign’ and added an ‘Other, please specify’ option to pretty much all of the questions. Even where it makes no logical sense…

While there’s a place for open ‘Other’ options what they do is add a lot of processing time to your data extraction, because somebody has to read through them all and group them into a codeframe in order to make the results quantitative, rather than qualitative.

Unless, of course, you plan on just ignoring them.

The on-line news source has been replaced entirely with an open question. Again, this creates a lot of work in DP, especially when it would have worked better as a closed list with an open ‘Other’ option.

We’ve also got a couple of badly worded questions asking about divisions in the Republican party.

I’m not sure you can divide…against. It’s not a big thing, just another point that’s indicative of how little thought went into this mess.

The survey now ends with this…

This isn’t a bad question, per se, but it is a strange one. Trump is the head of the US government. He has the option of using the power of his office to hold MSM accountable, yet this question suggests that the GOP should be the ones performing this task.

It’s also interesting that they’re only interested in the mainstream media. The alternative news sources and bloggers, who are mentioned in a previous question, are implicitly outside the scope of this expenditure of time and resources.

What’s been asked for here is a mandate to ruthlessly pursue (comparatively) well-researched, but unfriendly, news sources, while giving free-reign to friendly news sources.

Make no mistake, this survey isn’t just bad, it’s actively dangerous.

[Further addendum]

The huge popularity of Trump’s survey has, apparently, worked against it, because the following e-mail has been sent out.

Clearly the president’s survey isn’t returning the results he wants.

Now, in fairness, with a political poll it’s important to balance the sample, as you want it to be representative of the whole voting population. In this particular case you’d want, based on the 2016 vote share, about 46% of respondents to be Republicans and about 48% to be Democrats, with the remaining 6% being third-party or independent candidate supporters. If the results don’t naturally fall out that way then you can “weight” the data to achieve exactly the percentages you’re looking for, and this is a perfectly valid and widely used technique. Except…

1. It’s not possible here, because basic questions about age, gender, location, socio-economic group and past voting haven’t been asked. You have literally nothing to weight on (weighting on the results you’re trying to measure, rather than demographic factors, is not an acceptable technique, for reasons which should be obvious).
2. Nor is trying to pack the survey with respondents who, you hope, will give you the answers that you want. Don’t forget that, because of the point above, the people looking at the data have literally no idea how many Democrats, if any, have taken the survey. All they know is that the results aren’t showing them the answers that they want to be able to report.

What’s comic is that they believe, according to their e-mail, that Democrats are trying to sabotage the results, apparently blissfully unaware that their own errors and general sloppiness have already made the results meaningless anyway.

 

Introduction

The West Wing was broadcast from 1999 to 2006, and covers the presidency of Jed Bartlet, a democratic Nobel laureate. Bartlet is liberal, educated, erudite and politically skilled…so pretty much a polar opposite to Donald Trump.
The West Wig is my imagining of what would happen if you replaced Bartlet with Trump in some of the iconic scenes from The West Wing.
As you’d expect, it all goes terribly well.

Index

West Wig 1 – Trump’s grand entrance
West Wig 2 – Trump shows off his book smarts
West Wig 3 – Trump and Leo argue over the use of the military
West Wig 4 – Trump and Charlie have a moment
West Wig 5 – Trump hires Ainsley
West Wig 6 – Trump during the aftermath of an assassination attempt
West Wig 7 – Josh and the secret plan to fight inflation
West Wig 8 – Trump and his staff play cards
West Wig 9 – Trump and Bartlet meet
West Wig 10 – Trump and the Chinese Christians
West Wig 11 – Trump and the retiring Supreme Court justice
West Wig 12 – Trump vs Biblical quotes
West Wig 13 – Trump deals with a suicide bomber in Sweden Israel
West Wig 14 – CJ’s first press conference after Trump’s new clampdown
West Wig 15 – Trump meets with his lawyer
West Wig 16 – Trump and Sam’s late night meeting
West Wig 17 – Trump’s physical

West Wig 1 – Trump’s grand entrance.

VAN DYKE
The First Commandment says “Honor thy Father”.

TOBY
No it doesn’t.

JOSH
Toby–

TOBY
It doesn’t.

JOSH
Listen–

TOBY
No, if I’m gonna make you sit through this preposterous exercise, we’re gonna get the names of the damn commandments right.

MARY
Okay. Here we go.

TOBY
“Honor thy Father” is the Third Commandment.

VAN DYKE
Then what’s the First Commandment?

A booming voice comes from off screen. The camera moves to show PRESIDENT

DONALD J TRUMP with a cape standing in the doorway with several Secret Service agents.

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP
“The lord is my shepherd, let there be light.” I have a terrific knowledge of the Bible. Even the Pope – and I’m not kidding – even the Pope said I have the best knowledge of the Bible.

[Back to top]

West Wig 2 – Trump shows off his book smarts

TRUMP
C.J., on your tombstone, it’s gonna read, ‘Dutchie est deodorant est, pro-patriarch merry.’

C.J.
Okay, but none of my visitors are going to be able to understand my tombstone.

TRUMP
Twenty-seven graduates of Trump University in the room, and three ex-pro wrestlers, anybody know ‘Dutchie est deodorant est, pro-patriarch merry?’
Josh?

JOSH
Uh, uh, dutchie, European, European est, East, deodorant, after-shave pro-patriarch, good, merry, something else est.

TRUMP
Thank you. Next?

JOSH
Uh, if I’d gotten more credit on the 443…

TRUMP
Leo?

LEO
The president is always right, and your death proves it. [Josh, a little weirded out, looks]

TRUMP
The president is always right, and your death proves it. That’s a terrific saying. Everybody loves that saying. We’re going to have so many terrific deaths. They are going to be the best deaths. And we’re going to build the largest cemetery in the world to honour them. You’ll see.
We did not lose Massachusetts because of the joke. Do you know when we lost Massachusetts?

C.J.
When you started to pretend you could speak Latin?

TRUMP
Go figure.

C.J.
Even so, calling them all ivy-league sodomites who you happily bomb back to the ‘irony age’ can’t have helped.

[Back to top]

West Wig 3 – Trump and Leo argue over the use of the military

LEO
Well, you’ve gone through everyone who works for you and everyone who’s married to you. I didn’t know who else you could get mad at, so I was afraid the American people might be next. Oh, by the way, when we’re done here you’re sending Melania some flowers.

TRUMP
Did you know that two hundred years ago a Roman citizen could go anywhere he wanted protected only in the words ‘Honda Civic’ I am a Roman citizen. So terrific was the retribution of Rome, really terrific retribution. Those guys really had the had the best retribution. If Caesar Salad had had nukes he wouldn’t have been scared to use them, I can tell you. He’d have turned Napoleon to dust. We should do that, instead of, instead of, what is it we’re doing again?

LEO
We are behaving the way a superpower ought to behave.

TRUMP
Well we ought to be more like the Romans, until we figure out what’s going on, you know?

LEO
What are you talking about?

TRUMP
I’m talk about losers on Twitter who don’t think one million people came to see my inauguration. Who say that I’m not a smart president. Because I am. I’m probably the smartest – my uncle, and he’s a really smart guy, really, really smart, helped Einstein split the atom, my uncle says that I’m the smartest little guy he knows – I really am incredibly smart and people shouldn’t be allowed to say I’m not.

LEO
And you think ratching up the body count’s gonna act as a deterrent?

TRUMP
You’re damn right.

LEO
Then you are just as dumb as these guys who think that capital punishment is going to be a deterrent for drug kingpins. As if drug kingpins didn’t live their day to day lives under the possibility of execution. And their executions are a lot less dainty than ours and tend to take place without the bother and expense of due process. So my friend, if you want to start using American military strength as the arm of the Lord, you can do that, we’re the only superpower left. You can conquer the world, like Charlemenge, but you better be prepared to kill everyone and you better start with me cause I will raise up an army against you and I will beat you!

TRUMP
[pause]OK. You’re right. Let’s do that.

LEO
Do what?

TRUMP
That thing you just said, about raising an army and putting drug kingpins to death and using the military as the arm of the Lord and me conquering the world like Charlie Maine. We should do that, that sounds like the thing a smart guy would do, and I’m a smart guy.

[Back to top]

West Wig 4 – Trump and Charlie have a moment

CHARLIE
Do you need anything?

TRUMP
[going to his desk] There’s a quote from Revelations I’m trying to remember.

CHARLIE
[following him] I can’t help you out there, sir.

TRUMP
It’s about a horse.

CHARLIE
I’ve never read Revelations.

TRUMP
Why not?

CHARLIE
Never got around to it.

TRUMP
Say, listen. My hesitation about your going out with Ivanka before, you know, it’s not ’cause you’re black. Lots of my friends are black. Black guys love me. They really do. More of the black community voted for me than for Hillary, you know.

CHARLIE
[sits] Yes, sir, I didn’t think it because I’m black.

TRUMP
It’s not.

CHARLIE
I thought it was ’cause I’m a guy.

TRUMP
It is. But if she wanted to date a woman that would be fine as well. The LGBT community love me as well. And she’s a good looking woman, I wouldn’t be surprised if a dyke wanted to date her. And that would be terrific. Really, really terrific.

CHARLIE
I understand.

TRUMP
Still, I want you to go out with her if that’s what you both want to do.

CHARLIE
I’d like to.

TRUMP
That’s fine. Me too.

CHARLIE
Thank you, sir.

TRUMP
But, no kidding, you go out with Ivanka, you’re gonna get your picture taken. There’s gonna be a lot of people not wild about the sight of you and the President’s daughter. You know what to do with the mail, right?

CHARLIE
Yes sir.

TRUMP
And you’re going to want to take a lot of pictures of her, too. She’s a beautiful woman. You’re going to want to take a lot of intimate photos. Real tasteful, obviously. She’s a classy woman. But I bet she looks so good naked. I spend a lot of time thinking about how good she probably looks naked. In a fatherly way. I’m a terrific father. Ivanka’s always said so. So have, you know, the other ones. A really terrific father. That’s what makes me the best president.

CHARLIE
Yes sir.

TRUMP
Be real careful not to leave those tasteful photos lying around where I might see them, Charlie. That would be terrible. It would make me very [pause] very angry.

CHARLIE
Yes sir.

TRUMP
[now searching for something in his desk drawer] Revelations. It’s about a Horse, it can fly.

CHARLIE
Are you getting the Bible confused with My Little Pony again, sir?

TRUMP
Maybe. Which one do I watch on TV when I’m having my breakfast? Anyway, remember son, treat her right, and you know where to grab her, right?

CHARLIE
Yes sir.

[Back to top]

West Wig 5 – Trump hires Ainsley

TRUMP
And hire that girl.

LEO
What girl?

TRUMP
That terrific on from TV. She was really great. Tits and hair.

LEO
Ainsley Hayes? No.

TRUMP
Why?

LEO
‘Cause this is one of those things you’re excited about after breakfast that you forget you told me to do by lunch.

TRUMP
[waggling a tiny finger at him] I do not do that. I have the greatest memory of any living human. I’ve memorised Pi to one trillion decimal places. I have really incredible memory. Harry S Truman used to call me Total Recall Trump.

LEO
It’s one of those. Like Iceland was one of those things.

TRUMP
What about Iceland?

LEO
Tuesday morning. You remember, that day you told me to organise an invasion of Iceland.

TRUMP
I did not do that. I absolutely did not do that. The dishonest media make up these lies – they shouldn’t be able to print lies like that. They have to stop using their freedom of speech – which is a wonderful freedom, the best freedom, to just say things that they want to say.

LEO
Yes, Mr President, that’s what you told me [beat] on Tuesday afternoon.

Charlie comes in and hands Trump a mug as he sits at his desk.

TRUMP
Charlie, I want to hire a woman, a great women, with a lot of smart ideas. Some of her ideas are nearly as smart as mine. I love smart women. All those people who say I’m anti-woman should hear about all the terrifically smart women that I’ve nearly employed. She’s a conservative Republican. Do you think I should do it?

CHARLIE
Absolutely, Mr. President. ‘Cause I’m told that theirs is the party of inclusion.

Trump gives him a look as he moves away.

LEO
[gesturing over his shoulder at him] See? Charlie just made a joke to you in the Oval Office. That’s how bad an idea it is.

TRUMP
Leo.

LEO
Seriously, Mr. President, if you want to do this, it’s not an uninteresting notion, let’s just do it in a more high-profile place. Put a Republican in the cabinet. You are supposed to be a Republican president, so we could probably use a couple to balance out [pause] the other guys.

TRUMP
We might do that, Leo. Four hundred million Republicans voted for me; we might hire as many as two of them. But for now, hire the tits and hair girl.

LEO
To do what?

TRUMP
[shrugging] I don’t know. Can’t she replace Mrs Landingham? I’m the leader of the free world, Leo, I don’t see why I have to look at an ugly old lady every day. I’ve got nothing but respect for ugly old women, I’d be the last man to say that they don’t have a place. I just don’t see why that place has to be in my line of sight.

LEO
You really want me to do this?

TRUMP
Do what? What were we talking about?

LEO
Hiring Ainsley Hayes. And what if she doesn’t want to work here?

TRUMP
I can sign an executive order making her work here, right?

LEO
She can always have my job, you know.

TRUMP
Yes, she can. There’s quite enough ugly old men around here as well.

[Back to top]

West Wig 6 – Trump during the aftermath of an assassination attempt

MELANIA
Oh. You all right?

IVANKA
Yeah.

IVANKA
And Dad’s making jokes.

MELANIA
Good ones, or…?

TRUMP [OS]
I’m putting Hulk Hogan in charge of the Secret Service!

MELANIA
No.

IVANKA
I’m not sure that’s a joke.

Leo approaches, along with Dr. Keller.

LEO
Melania. This is Dr. Keller.

DR. KELLER
Hello.

MELANIA
What’s the status of his will?

DR. KELLER
It’s looking good, Mrs Trump, there’ll be no call for that.

MELANIA
You won’t let him sign a new one, will you?

TRUMP[OS]
Are these the hottest nurses you have? Get me hotter nurses, and get some drink in them!

DR. KELLER
We’ll soon have him good as new, Mrs Trump

MELANIA
I don’t care how good she is, there’ll be no new Mrs Trump while I can still swing a blade.

DR. KELLER
Er. Dr. Lee is going to be an anaesthetist, Mrs Trump

MELANIA
[to Ivanka] You’ll be okay honey?

IVANKA
Yeah.

Melania walks away.

CUT TO: INT. TRAUMA ROOM – CONTINUOUS

MELANIA
Dr. Lee?

DR. LEE
Mrs Trump. I hope they told you that it’s looking very good.

MELANIA
There are 14 people in the world who know this, including the vice President, the chief of staff, and the chairman of the Joint Chiefs. You are going to be the fifteenth. Last year my husband was diagnosed with extremely excellent health. His doctor noted that he’d set records for the number of events, the size of the crowds and his breadth of travel.

TRUMP[OS]
Those shooters definitely weren’t white guys. Someone tell Mike to nuke Constantinople while I’m under.

MELANIA
Doctor, he has the stamina to endure – uninterrupted – the rigors of a punishing and unprecedented presidential campaign.

TRUMP[OS]
Normally I’m bullet-proof. Those guys must have been firing armour-plated rounds.

MELANIA
My husband has better stamina than anyone else his doctor has ever examined.

DR. LEE
Why are you telling me all this, Mrs Trump?

MELANIA
You’re a doctor [beat] Is there a cure for Viagra?

TRUMP[OS]
They were terrific guys, by the way. Really terrific shots. Someone phone the NRA. Tell them I’m still on their side.

[Back to top]

West Wig 7 – Josh and the secret plan to fight inflation

CUT TO: INT. THE BRIEFING ROOM – PREVIOUS AFTERNOON
Josh is still behind the podium, answering questions.

REPORTER 1
Josh, when will the President unveil his secret plan?

JOSH
There is no secret plan!

REPORTER 2
You said…

JOSH
[laughs] I was talking to Danny. I was kidding!

DANNY
Josh, if you were just kidding how do you explain the president’s statement, ‘I have a great plan to fight inflation. Will tell it you soon.’

JOSH
[sarcastically] I’m going to need a source on that, Danny.

DANNY
I’m quoting his tweet of [looks at phone] 23 seconds ago.

JOSH
[putting his head in his hands] Can we please change the subject.

REPORTER 2
[reading from phone] Josh, when the president tweets that his number one priority is to protect the US from alien invasion is he speaking metaphorically?

JOSH
[groans]

[Back to top]

West Wig 8 – Trump and his staff play cards

FADE IN: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE – LEO’S OFFICE – NIGHT

Trump and his staff are gathered around a table, playing cards.

C.J.
Mr President?

TRUMP
There are fourteen punctuation marks in Standard English grammar. Can anyone name them please?

Trump’s staff groan

C.J.
Period.

JOSH
Comma.

MANDY
Colon

SAM
Semi-colon.

JOSH
Dash.

SAM
Hyphen.

LEO
Ah… apostrophe.

TRUMP
That’s only eleven. There are nine more. You should all know this, because English grammar is the best grammar. It has really terrific grammar. Not like Mexican grammar. Mexico is so poor it can’t even have its own grammar, it has to use Portugal’s grammar.

TOBY
Question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parentheses, braces and ellipsis.

C.J.
Ooh.

JOSH
Wow!

TRUMP
Very good, Toby, but you missed smiley face, crying and three cryings in a row to show the person you’re talking to is a snowflake. I won’t have snowflakes in my White House or in my country. People call me a snowflake, you know. Crying face, crying face, crying face.

TOBY
Uh. [waggles cards] It’s you, sir.

TRUMP
There are three words, and three words only in the English language that ever end my tweets. What are they?

JOSH
This is a pretty good illustration of why we get nothing done.

All laugh.

TRUMP
Can anyone name them for me please?

SAM
Three words that end your tweets?

TRUMP
Yes.

SAM
Sad.

TRUMP
Yes.

TOBY
Loser.

TRUMP
Yes.

Everyone mumbles out different words.

TOBY
[to Sam] C’mon Princeton. We’ve got sad, we’ve got loser.

TRUMP
I see you five and raise you five by the way. I know you’re only holding a pair of threes and a queen.

TOBY
Mr President, before we go any further would you mind if we ran through the rules of bridge with you one more time?

[Back to top]

West Wig 9 – Trump and Bartlet meet

FADE IN: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE – THE OVAL OFFICE – DAY

Trump is sat at his desk, doing something with his phone. There’s a knock at the door and former-president Jed Bartlet enters.

BARTLET
[light-heartedly] Boy, they let anyone do this job these days.

TRUMP
[looks up from phone] Hey. It’s you. Pull up a chair, Jeb.

Bartlet remains standing

BARTLET
It’s Dr Bartlet, or Mr President, or Jed. Jeb was the other guy.

TRUMP
Hey, that’s great. Be right with you.

Trump goes back to his phone. Bartlet looks around the room for a few seconds.

BARTLET
I like what you’ve done with the place.

TRUMP
Huh?

BARTLET
You’ve redecorated. It’s nice. The gold walls go very well with the gold furniture and the gold drapes. Very understated.

TRUMP
[distractedly] Well, you’ve got to stamp your personality onto the room. Just like you’ve got to stamp it onto the presidency. And I’ve got a lot of personality and I like to do a lot of stamping.

Trump turns his full attention back to his phone. Bartlet looks around the room again. He gazes at the floor.

BARTLET
You know, I used to wonder how they got the eagle on the carpet to face different ways. I always kinda assumed that they had two carpets and fitters who worked night shifts.

TRUMP
[grunts]

BARTLET
I didn’t even know they had a carpet where the eagle has its wings covering its eyes. But there you go, they went and found one for you.

Trump still doesn’t respond. Bartlet does another scan of the complete room.

BARTLET
You know my body man, Charlie Young, gave me a map of the Holy Land once. It was drawn in 1709. I was going to have it framed and put on the wall right over there [nods towards the wall]. Right there. Right where you’ve got that Hulk Hogan poster.

Trump puts his phone down, with an air of frustration, gets up, walks over to Barlet and shakes his hand.

TRUMP
Hey, you’re really tiny. I must be like thirty inches taller than you. I always thought you’d be bigger.

BARTLET
In this job your stature isn’t generally judged by your physical reach. [beat] But I’d like to congratulate you on overcoming the limitations of your height and managing to go right ahead and develop a Napoleon complex anyway.

TRUMP
It’s good to see you Jeb. Do you know I gave more than anybody else – both times you ran – I gave more to your campaign than anybody else. Millions – I don’t remember how many millions I gave – but it was more millions than anybody else gave you. Both times. And you were a lousy president. Both times. I’m going to be a much better president than you. Everyone says so. Even the losers who hate me say so.

BARTLET
Well, Mr Trump, I don’t recall seeing your name on the donor register, so it sounds like you got your money’s worth.

TRUMP
You were a soft president. My people don’t want a soft president any more. They want a hard president. I’m hard. Everyday I sit here I get harder. I’m harder today that I was yesterday and yesterday I was diamond. By tomorrow I’ll be gold.

BARTLET
You know what they say, Tempora mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis.

TRUMP
Who says that? It’s not right that people say things like that. This is America. Everyone should speak American. American in the greatest language in the world. The language of Shakespeare.

Todd enters, unannounced and, ignoring Trump and Bartlet, sits on a couch and starts reading Playboy magazine.

BARTLET
Is this one of your staff? He seems to be a keen, young man.

TRUMP
This is Todd. We swept him up in Philadelphia and he’s been hanging with us since. People often just follow me back here. It’s my incredible personal magnetism. I’m terrifically likeable. The secret service hate it, but Todd hooks us up with free cable.

BARTLET
Ah, back in my day we tried to avoid committing crimes while we were in office. Not always successfully it must be said.

TRUMP
Thanks to me Todd’s saved the government $320 a month. That’s how a proper president works, Jeb, they save the public money to make them so rich that we have to cut their taxes. That’s why I’m so popular. Toby says that I’m the most popular president ever.

BARTLET
Really? I don’t recall Toby ever making me feel as if I was even the most popular president in the room.

TRUMP
It’s really amazing how popular I am. My people love me. Just watch this.

Trump turns the TV onto a news channel and then picks up his phone and starts typing on it.

TRUMP
[calling to outer office] Titzi, how do I spell ‘embezzling’?

TITZI [OS]
E-M-B-E-Z [pause] Z [pause] E?

TRUMP
[to Titzi] Never mind. I’ll just put ‘crooked’. [to Barlet] Now watch this.

They both stare at the TV for a few seconds.

BARTLET
What are we wait-

TRUMP
Sssh! It’s about to happen [pause] Yes! Look! Look at that share price drop! One tweet does that. That’s how much the people love me.

BARTLET
You do know that you’re not supposed to do that, right? I’m surprised that Sam isn’t in here, wrestling you to the floor and taking your phone off you.

TRUMP
Sam? He’s the one who looks like Rob Lowe, right? I got rid of him. Couldn’t stand him. We was always [adopting mocking tone of voice] That’s illegal, Mr President. There are laws against that, Mr President. You probably shouldn’t write the nuclear launch codes on the back of your hand, Mr President. [pause] He’s gone. Your big mistake, Jeb, and you made a lot of mistakes, bad mistakes, but your really big mistake was that you surrounded yourself with smart people. If you have smart people around you then you look dumb. Nobody wants to the see the president looking dumb. I surround myself with dumb people, because that makes me look very smart. If the president looks smart then America looks smart. And I’m very smart and the voters know that.

BARTLET
I always think you should judge a man by the company they keep. If you surround yourself with smart people then onlookers might think you’re one of them. [beat] Same if you surround yourself with idiots, I guess.

TRUMP
You know what I liked best about your presidency? When you whacked that San Serif guy? That was terrific. A real high-point.

BARLET
You mean Shareef? That was the hardest decision I had to make. Was I right to put the real risk to the lives of Americans ahead of the pillars of our democracy. Justice. Law. The very right to life. I made that decision and it still keeps me awake at night. [softly] When you’re alone and it’s dark it’s hard to tell yourself that you did the right thing. That the Lord was on your side.

TRUMP
Yeah, well it was terrific. You should have done like ten or twenty more. Once every week. Bang. We shot another one, folks. The world’s a safer place.

BARTLET
I you think that having the man in the most powerful office on Earth killing whoever he likes makes the world safer, Mr President, then maybe you should have stuck building golf courses.

TRUMP
I didn’t think you were a golfer, Jeb.

BARTLET
I’m not. My one game ended up with me stuck in a bunker. A feature I think it will share with your presidency.

TITZI [OS]
Mr President, I’ve got Chuck Norris on line #1 for you. It’s about the Supreme Court appointment.

TRUMP
Sorry, Jeb, work to do. You know the way out.

They shake hands

BARTLET
Hey, thanks for inviting me in.

Bartlet walks to the door then turns to look back at Trump.

BARTLET
You know, Mr President, being here and talking to you today has really reminded me of how it was when I was doing this job.

TRUMP
Because I’m a great leader and a really smart guy?

BARTLET
No. Because I look at you and think, “What’s next?”

[Back to top]

West Wig 10 – Trump and the Chinese Christians

JHIN-WEI comes in, and the two aides stay by the door.

TRUMP
Gin-sling?

JHIN-WEI
Jhin-Wei, sir.

They shake hands.

TRUMP
I’m Donald Trump, the president of this whole country. This is Leo Mc…McSomething.

LEO
How do you do?

TRUMP
Thanks for being Christian. It’s really terrific that even you people in less developed countries are willing to give it a try. I went to China once. Couldn’t order take-away. Never went back.

JHIN-WEI
Yes sir.

LEO
[to the aides] Fellas… would you mind waiting outside?

Mrs. Landingham escorts the two aides outside.

TRUMP
Have a seat. Don’t get too comfortable, though – Bannon’s watching ‘Platoon’ next door and he’s got a .45, so you need to move fast if he comes in here yelling about ‘Charlie’.

They sit. Leo leans in front of the desk.

TRUMP
[motions to the table] There are some sandwiches here. If you get hungry, feel free to eat as much as you want. Bannon’s picked all the meat out of them, but what he’s left is fine for you.

JHIN-WEI
Yes sir.

TRUMP
People have been asking if you’re really Christian. I’ve been to a lot of churches. People always want me to come to their Church to just be in the congregation or sing hymns or just to fling holy water at me while they do all that bell, book and candle stuff.

JHIN-WEI
Yes sir.

TRUMP
So how does a non-white end up Christian, then?

JHIN-WEI
I began attending a house church with my wife in Fujian. Eventually, I was
baptized.

TRUMP
And are Chinese churches just like American ones? Do you have all of those great guys on telly asking for money? I should do that. I’d be great at that. I can always get money from anyone.

JHIN-WEI
We share bibles–we don’t have enough. We sing hymns. We hear sermons. We
recite the Lord’s Prayer. We are charitable.

TRUMP
Who’s the head of your church?

JHIN-WEI
The head of our parish is an 84 year old man named Wen-Ling. He’s been beaten and imprisoned many times. The head of our church is Jesus Christ.

TRUMP
I have to give you a pop quiz. Some religious guy wrote it down for me. It can’t be that hard, because they’re generally pretty dumb. Losers. [reading] Can you name any of Jesus’ disciples? [beat] If you can’t, that’s okay. I can’t even remember the nuclear launch codes. That’s why I have to write them on my hand, see [shows hand, which has ‘8’ written on it] It’s a terrific system. I’ve always got the nuclear football and I’ve always got my hand. That’s why they call me ‘President Smart’

JHIN-WEI
Jesus disciples were Peter, Andrew, John, Phillip, Bartholomew, Thomas, Matthew, Thaddeus, Simon, Judas and James. [beat] Mr. President, Christianity is not demonstrated through a recitation of facts.
You’re seeking evidence of faith, a wholehearted acceptance of God’s promise for a better world. ‘For we hold that man is justified by faith alone’ is what St. Paul said. ‘Justified by faith alone.’ Faith is the true… uh, I’m trying to… shibboleth. Faith is the true shibboleth.

TRUMP
You were doing well up until the Shibboleth guy. I was going to let Paul slip, because, hey, everyone knows a guy called Paul. I know a guy called Paul in Vegas. He gets me hook…things I need in Vegas. But that Shibboleth guy sounds like one of the people from the Quorn. It’s bad enough you pretending to be Christian when you’re not even white, but being a Muslim as well is something I’m not going to stand for. [They stand.] It was terrific to meet you, now get the hell out of my country before I have Hulk Hogan shoot you!

JHIN-WEI
Thank you, Mr. President.

After they shake hands, Jhin-Wei turns to leave the Oval Office. Trump watches him go, then turns around to face Leo.

LEO
We’re trying to sell more 747s to China, already a big customer. We want China to crack down on violators of American copyrights. We’re trying to get China to negotiate a settlement with Tibet…

TRUMP
Screw him. He didn’t even bring my sweet and sour pork.

LEO
Right.

[Back to top]

West Wig 11 – Trump and the retiring Supreme Court justice

FADE IN: INT. THE SUPREME COURT – JUSTICE CROUCH’S OFFICE – DAY

The retiring Supreme Court Justice JOSEPH CROUCH is with President Trump.

TRUMP
I’d have made a much better Supreme Court whatever you are than you, Joseph. I know that the so-called court people’s job is to do what the president – that’s me, I’m the president – do what the president says, not sit around discussing laws. I’m glad you’re retiring.

CROUCH
You’re gonna go with Harrison?

TRUMP
Harrison? Who’s Harrison? The Star Wars guy?

CROUCH
Peyton Cabot Harrison III…the leading contender to fill my seat.

TRUMP
Never heard of him. Maybe he’s on the short-list.

CROUCH
With how many other names?

TRUMP
We’ll make our announcement on Thursday. Just as soon as Steve has told me who it is. I hope, I really hope, it’s not Arnie. That guy kills ratings. That’s why he went into politics, you know, he couldn’t cut it in showbiz.

CROUCH
You’ve decided on Harrison.

TRUMP
I haven’t made a decision yet, Joe. Maybe Steve has. I suggested Hulk Hogan. Now there’s a guy who’d be tough on crime. Not like you. Look at you. You’re really old. Any mugger would make short work of you. Even if you had a gun, they’d just kick it right out of your shaky old hand.

CROUCH
You’ve made the call. [beat] Did you even consider Mendoza?

TRUMP
Mendoza? There was a guy called Mendoza on the short-list, yeah.

CROUCH
Mendoza was on the short list so you can show you had an Hispanic on the
short list.

TRUMP
No, we put him on the short list to trick him into meeting up with us, and then we shipped him straight back to Mexico. He’ll be back in the country by now, of course, because there’s no wall. Why did nobody else build a wall, Joe? We’ve had this country for 2017 years and yet nobody’s thought of building a simple wall. That’s because they’re dumb. I’m smart. Steve says so every time I’m smart enough to do what he tells me.

CROUCH
You ran great guns in the campaign. It was an insurgency, boy, a sight to see. And then you drove to the middle of the road the moment after you took the oath. Then to the right of the road. Then to the further right of the road. Then so far right you were off the road altogether, just driving along the sidewalk, sending pedestrians flying everywhere. Running over everyone in sight.

TRUMP
I suppose we should get out there, before people start thinking I like talking to old people.

CROUCH
Not yet, sir.

TRUMP
I’m going out. The press are only here to see me anyway. Who cares what the “supreme court” have to say?

CROUCH
I’ve served on this bench for 38 years. I took my seat the year you began
college. I believe I’ve earned the right to say a word. [beat] Take the next few days with your staff, and give Mendoza the consideration the deserves.

TRUMP
Sorry, Joey, the seat is closed up tight as a drum to anyone who doesn’t have the surname ‘Trump’ or $500 million to spare.

CROUCH
American voters like brains. And Democrat have got them. In four years, one of them is gonna beat you.

TRUMP
Only because I’ve got so much to deal with. The press are always telling fake news about me. The call them facts, but they’re just nasty opinions. I’ve got to deal with that.

CROUCH
So did Harry Truman.

TRUMP
Who? The guy who was being filmed all the time in that movie? Never liked that film. Even though Arnie wasn’t in it it still stunk. Made no sense. If you were being filmed and watched by the whole world the whole time you’d made sure you never left.

Trump looks at his watch

TRUMP
Anyway, let’s go. I’ve got Hulk Hogan coming to the White House at 2. Now there’s a man who knows what judges are supposed to do.

[Back to top]

West Wig 12 – Trump vs Biblical quotes

C.J.
Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. The President of the United States.

Everyone stands and claps. The flashbulbs go off as Trump enters the reception.

TRUMP
Thank you. Thank you, very much. Thanks a lot. I wish I could spend more than a few minutes with you but it’s nearly time for my intelligence briefing, so I need to make sure my cell phone is charged.

Everyone chuckles. Trump looks puzzled.

TRUMP
[reading from notes] You know with so many people participating in the political and social debate through call in shows, it’s a good idea to be reminded…

Trump loses his train of thought when something attracts his attention. The camera pans over to Jenna Jacobs, sitting on her chair.

TRUMP
…it’s a good idea to be reminded of the awesome impact… the awesome impact…

He finally gives up and addresses her.

TRUMP
I’m sorry, um… you’re Dr. Jenna Jacobs, right?

JENNA JACOBS
Yes, sir.

TRUMP
It’s good to have you here. In my White House. I won this.

JENNA JACOBS
Yes, sir. Thank you.

TRUMP
The awesome impact of the airwaves and how that translates into the furthering of our national discussions but obviously also how it can… how it can…

He sighs, and addresses Jenna Jacobs again.

TRUMP
Forgive me, Dr. Jacobs. Are you real doctor?

JENNA JACOBS
Ph.D.

TRUMP
A Ph.D.?

JENNA JACOBS
Yes, sir.

TRUMP
In doctoring?

JENNA JACOBS
I have a Ph.D. in English literature, sir.

TRUMP
I’m asking, ’cause on your show, people call in for advice and you go by the name of Dr. Jacobs on your show. And I didn’t know if maybe your listeners were confused by that, and thought that maybe you were a doctor, even though you’re not a man

JENNA JACOBS
I don’t believe they are confused, no sir.

TRUMP
Good. I like your show. I like how you say it’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.

JENNA JACOBS
I don’t say that, Mr. President. The Bible does.

TRUMP
Yes, it does. Book of Revelations.

JENNA JACOBS
Matthew, sir, 19:24

TRUMP
Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I had you here.
I sometimes like to bear false witness, which I’m pretty sure is against one of the commandments. Am I wrong to do that? Will I go to hell?
While you’re thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff, Steve Bannon, doesn’t love his neighbour, like Jebus said he should. Does that mean he’s going to hell as well?
OK, here’s one that’s really important, the Pope – who’s a great personal friend of mine, by the way, really terrific guy – tells me that there’s something in there about what you do to the least of God’s people you do unto him…he’s not talking about refugees or Muslins, right? Just Americans?
One more, when Jebus tells the story of the good Samaritan he’s just talking about people from Samarita, right? It doesn’t matter if I act like a dick to people who are from Iraq or Sudan, does it?
How about when the bible says that only God can judge? Can I use that to get 9th circuit decisions overturned?
Have you finished thinking about that camel one yet, because I really need an answer before I go back to the oval to sign some deals.

Jenna Jacobs fidgets uncomfortably.

TRUMP
Think about those questions, would you? One last thing, while you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tightass Club, in this building, when the President stands women lean forward a bit, so I can see down their blouses.

Jenna Jacobs gets up and leaves

TRUMP
Toby.

TOBY
Yes, Mr. President.

TRUMP
That’s how I beat him.

TOBY
[confused] That’s how you beat who, sir? This is the first time you’ve spoken to me for a week.

JENNA JACOBS[OS]
You’re all terrible people and you’re all going to hell!

[Back to top]

West Wig 13 – Trump deals with a suicide bomber in Sweden Israel

FADE IN: INT. THE SITUATION ROOM – NIGHT

NANCY
[to phone] Yeah. Leo, the INP thinks they have traces of C-4.

LEO
C-4?

NANCY
Yeah.

LEO
Did this guy have a car strapped to his chest?

GENERAL
Ten-hut.

TRUMP
[entering] Have the parents been notified? Somebody should call them. Like call them right now.

NANCY
The consul general called the parents.

TRUMP
And did he tell them I’m going to sort this whole thing out? Did he tell them I’m a smart guy and I can figure out anything. He did mention that I won 306 electoral college votes, right? That’s more than any other president in history. He did mention that, right? Hey, that reminds me, do we know who this suicide bomber was yet? Was he part of a terrorist network, or was he just some crazy white guy?

LEO
We don’t know yet.

NANCY
In the next hour, everyone will claim responsibility.

TRUMP
Nancy, hasn’t state issued a travel warning about going to Sweden?

NANCY
No, sir. We consider Sweden to be a safe destination…this attack was in Israel, sir.

TRUMP
Hey, that’s great. I love Israel. Nobody’s a bigger supporter of Israel than me. I told President Yahoo that I was behind Israel like 110%. I think we should pump that up to 120%. Can we do that? I really think – that extra 10%, you know – it might make the difference. How soon can we get the S.H.I.E.L.D. helicarrier over Sweden?

NANCY
Sir, the attack wasn’t in Sweden and…well, we don’t have a helicarrier, sir. That’s from a movie.

TRUMP
Lying to the president in the situation room, that’s a pretty serious offence, Nancy. That’s like…three times worse than having your own e-mail server. I saw that helicarrier on TV last night, and that thing looked pretty real. Why would the TV lie to me? I have to deal with fake news on the TV the whole time, why would you bring it into the situation room?

ADVISOR
Um, initial eyewitness accounts indicate the bomber turned left to go into the nightclub then stopped when he saw two people wearing U.S. Delegation sweatshirts with insignias and flags.

OTHER ADVISOR
They were brothers– Ariel and Noah Levy.

ADVISOR
He walked up to them and detonated.

TRUMP
What the hell were they doing wearing US flags in Sweden. Don’t they know how crazy Muslim that place is? Is all this for real? Has anybody had the smarts – smarts like mine – to turn on Fox News and see what’s really happening?

NANCY
These are the facts as relayed by the embassy RSO at the scene.

LEO
And, Mr. President?

TRUMP
Hey, that’s me. Right?

LEO
They think they’ve found traces of C-4.

TRUMP
The robot guy from the Star Wars film? Man, wasn’t Star Wars a great defence program? We should get Reagan in and see if he wants to get that whole thing going again. That would sort out those Swedenese!

LEO
No, sir, we think there’s an Afghan connected, or even Iran.

NANCY
We’ll know more when the FBI attache gives a forensic analysis.

TRUMP
How long?

NANCY
45 minutes, an hour.

TRUMP
But we could just turn on Fox News right now and see what’s really going on and, let me tell you, they’re saying that things are pretty bad in Sweden at the moment. We should really do something about that. How long until that helicarrier’s in the air?

[Back to top]

West Wig 14 – CJ’s first press conference after Trump’s new clampdown

INT. WHITEHOUSE PRESS ROOM, DAYTIME
C.J. Cregg is just finishing off her press briefing

C.J.
…talking with the house majority leader about his plan to create a ‘Supremer Court’, with his own nominees.

C.J. pauses and looks around the briefing room.

C.J.
OK, I’ll be taking some questions, but as there are a lot of new faces here I’d appreciate it if you’d give me your name and publication when I call on you. Carole will be writing them down and she assures me that she’ll be testing me on them later on.

She pauses, expecting laughter. There isn’t any. She tugs at her jacket and points to one of the press.

C.J.
You in the third row, next to the gentleman with tin-foil on his head. The one who’s bothered to wear a tie. Do you have a question?

JOURNALIST
Da, I was wondering if the president…

C.J.
Sorry to interrupt, tie-boy, but can I have your name and publication. You know, for the test.

JOURNALIST
Sorry. Igor Ivanavitch. Moscow Daily Front. I was wondering if the president would care to comment on the poll showing that he is the most popular and trusted American president of all time.

C.J.
Yes, and if you check your press pack then on [beat] page 14 of today’s presidential tweets you’ll see the president welcomes the poll and laments that fake news stations and failing newspapers aren’t reporting it.

JOURNALIST 2
C.J., do you have a source for the poll?

C.J.
Yes I do, it’s [she checks her notes] well I never, it’s from a survey conducted by our friends at The Moscow Daily Front. Glad to hear that Muscovites are so keen on our president, Igor.

IGOR
Da, the one we interviewed was really keen on him.

C.J.
OK, guy right at the back. Name and publication, please.

JOURNALIST 3
Uh, yeah, my name is Saxon Stormwolf and I, uh, I write a blog called ‘Melting snowflakes’.

C.J.
Well doesn’t that sound just lovely. What’s your question, Saxon?

SAXON
I was wondering if the president had any thoughts on my latest blog, where I lay out the case for liberals being drowned in a bucket at birth.

C.J.
How many readers does your blog attract, Saxon?

SAXON
Um, 50 or 60. Usually.

C.J.
Well, I’m sorry to be the one to break it to you, but the President of the United States of America isn’t likely to be one of those 50 or 60.

SAXON
But he retweeted my link to it!

C.J.
[long pause] Today the president has announced his plans to neuter the Supreme Court, he’s proposed abolishing the emoluments clause, he’s launched his second attempt at invading Iceland in two weeks and documents have been published by The Washington Post showing that he is directly funnelling billions of tax-payer dollars into his own business ventures. [beat] Does anyone have questions on any of those things?

The room is silent

C.J.
Does anyone in this room have a Pulitzer prize?

The room remains silent

C.J.
Does anyone know what a Pulitzer prize is?

One journalist puts their hand up, then quickly lowers is again.

C.J.
Does anyone have a gun?

All hands go up.

C.J.
Well thank god for that. Can one of you shoot me, please?

[Back to top]

West Wig 15 – Trump meets with his lawyer

INT. OVAL OFFICE, LATE EVENING.

PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS JUST INFORMED WHITE HOUSE COUNSEL, OLIVER BABISH, THAT HE MAY HAVE INADVERTENTLY SET-UP SEVERAL MEETINGS WITH GO-BETWEENS FOR THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT, ACCIDENTALLY TOLD THEM TO HACK DEMOCRATIC PARTY E-MAILS AND NOT-AT-ALL-ON-PURPOSE PROMISED POLITICAL AID TO RUSSIA IN EXCHANGE FOR ELECTORAL VICTORY.

TRUMP
This isn’t what you signed up for. Steve begged you to take this job, just like he begged the 3 or 4 guys who did it before you. This isn’t what you signed up for. If you leave, I’d appreciate it if you did it now, so it doesn’t look like my lawyer bailed on me when the rain starts. No one’s gonna hold it against you. I mean, I’ll hate you forever and randomly tweet shit about for the rest of time…but the ordinary people won’t hold it against you, and the rest of time isn’t that long, really.

OLIVER
Well, I appreciate that, Mr. President. (pause) If I stay, will you do exactly what I tell you to do?

TRUMP
I guess it depends. A lot of people tell me to do stuff; Steve, Russians, that new guy with all the medals. I forget a lot of it. Sometimes I just do things for terrific reasons – the best reasons – really amazing reasons – that I can’t really remember.

OLIVER
No, I’m afraid it can’t depend, sir.

A lengthy silence falls between them. Trump stands up, his hands in his pockets, and walks slowly toward his desk.

TRUMP
What would my first step be?

OLIVER
First, tell your staff.

TRUMP
That sounds like a lot of work. Can’t I just fire them?

OLIVER
Then, decide how to make a public announcement.

TRUMP
Trump TV will do it. Have you seen those guys? They’re really terrific. Like really, really terrific. Twenty million people tune into their show. Twenty million! That’s nearly double the number of people who came to my inauguration. Of course the fake news never shows the pictures of all the people watching Trump TV – those guys are terrific. They always say what I would be thinking if I wasn’t watching TV. Of course I think what the friendly TV shows tell me, so you know [beat] we’ve got a whole feedback loop going on there, but – 20 million people, that’s way more than watched failing Obama TV. He didn’t even have his own TV. He couldn’t – not a real American, Trump TV said so, and those guys are terrific fact checkers. They have the best facts.

OLIVER
Then order the Attorney General to appoint a Special Prosecutor. Not just any Special Prosecutor – the most blood-spitting, Trump-hating Democrat in the Bar.

Oliver walks slowly but purposefully toward Trump.

OLIVER
He’s gonna have an unlimited budget and a staff like an army. The new slogan around here is gonna be “bring it on.” He’s gonna have access to every piece of paper you ever touched. If you invoke executive privilege one time, I’m gone. An assistant DA in Ducksworth wants to take your deposition, you’re on the next plane. A freshman Congressman wants your testimony, you’ll sit in his kitchen. They wanna drag you to The Hague and charge you with war crimes, what do we say?

Trump stares silently at Oliver for several moments.

TRUMP
(quietly) Why aren’t they investigating crooked Hillary?

OLIVER
No, Mr President, the slogan is gonna be “bring it on”. So when the press starts asking tough questions what do we say?

TRUMP
That they’re fraud news?

OLIVER
No, sir, we say “bring it on”. Bring. It. On. Just those three words. What do we say?

TRUMP
Say, those gooks are getting a bit uppity, aren’t they? You know what would sort them out? A bit of fire and fury.

OLIVER
I’ll be in my office for a while if you need me. Drinking.

[Back to top]

West Wig 16 – Trump and Sam’s late night meeting

INT. SAM SEABORN’S OFFICE, LATE AT NIGHT. SAM IS WRITING SOMETHING ON HIS LAPTOP, OCCASIONALLY REPEATEDLY HITTING THE DELETE KEY BEFORE RETYPING.

THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR AND PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP ENTERS. SAM LEAPS TO HIS FEET.

SAM: Good evening Mr President.

TRUMP: Evening, Dan, still hard at it?

SAM: Yessir. You need to have remarks ready about that Nazi rally for first thing tomorrow.

TRUMP: I thought I’d just say it was, you know, not nice. I really want to talk about how terrific the economy is. It is terrific, you know? Really terrific. Are you writing this down?

Sam stops typing

SAM: No, sir, I was just trying something out. How’s this?

Sam reads from his screen

SAM: Racism is a sickness. It is a sickness of the mind. It is a sickness of the soul. It is a sickness that can have no place in American society. I became president promis…

TRUMP: Wait, you’re president now?

SAM: No, sir, this is your speech that I’m reading.

TRUMP: Is it? Doesn’t sound like the kind of thing I would say. My speeches are really terrific. TV last week said I was the greatest political orator in history. I really am terrifically amazing at the speeching thing.

SAM: Just bear with me, sir [continues reading] I became president promising to heal America and as its healer I must know which diseases can be treated and which must be cut out, if it is to prosper.

TRUMP: I dunno. That sounds like the sort of talk that’s going to piss off the anti-vaxxers. I get a lot of support from those guys. Almost all of them voted for me.

SAM: I’m…I’m sure they’ll realise that you’re speaking metaphorically, sir.

TRUMP: Dan, you’re a great kid, and one day you’re going to be a great presidential scapegoat, but the people who voted for me aren’t interested in metamorphos, they appreciate plain speaking, so cut that bit.

SAM: Which bit, Mr President?

TRUMP: All the bits you said, but leave in my bit about racism being, you know, not nice. And add a couple of pages about how terrific the economy is.

SAM: I’m not sure I can have that ready for the morning, sir.

TRUMP: Take all the time you need, Dan.

Trump leaves.

TRUMP[OS]: Really, no hurry at all.

[Back to top]

West Wig 17 – Trump’s physical

CUT TO: THE OVAL OFFICE – DAY
Trump is having his physical check-up. Morris has just finished taking his blood pressure.

MORRIS
180 over 95.

TRUMP
Those are great numbers. Much higher than Obama’s numbers. Obama could never manage more than 110 over 70. Sad.

MORRIS
Yes, sir.

TRUMP
Say, Steve tells me that you’re leaving America.

MORRIS
I think you got rid of Steve, sir. That would have been Leo.

TRUMP
I never knew anyone called Steve. He never worked here. And when he did I never met with him. I think he just got the covfefe, or something.

MORRIS
Yes, sir

TRUMP
So why you leaving the USA, son? Don’t you know it’s the best country in the world? I’m making it better every day. It’s better now than it was under Obama, even the fake news says so.

MORRIS
I’m going to Amman, sir

TRUMP hastily rolls down his sleeve and puts his jacket back on

TRUMP
Hey, that’s great, the gay community love me. Voted for me in huge numbers. But you don’t have to leave the US of A for that sort of thing any more. Not since crooked Hilary’s crooked husband. Don’t ask, don’t tell, eh? Those were the days.

MORRIS
Um, no sir, I’m going to the city of Amman, in Jordan. I’m married, sir, my wife’s just had a baby.

TRUMP
Got a photo of your baby?

MORRIS
Thought you’d never ask.

MORRIS hands TRUMP a photo from his wallet

TRUMP
No, no, not your baby. Your babe. You know, your wife. I always like to make sure that other men don’t have a more attractive wife than me. Haha, only joking, nobody’s more attractive than Ivanka.

MORRIS
Um, yes sir. Just your flu shot to do, sir.

TRUMP
I don’t need a flu shot. They give you optimism, you know. Fantastic bit on Fox News about the science behind it.

MORRIS
You do need a flu shot

TRUMP
How do I know this isn’t the start of a military coop?

MORRIS
Sir?

TRUMP
I want the secret service in here right away!

MORRIS
In the event of a military coup – coop – what makes you think the secret service would be on your side?

TRUMP
Oh, I don’t have the military guys any more. Didn’t trust them. I’ve got a business associate who sources them for me now [beat] every single one of them is called Ivan. Weird as all hell, but boy, can they shoot.

[Back to top]

In June last year, the day after the people of the UK voted to leave the EU I decided to cheer myself up by writing a quick review of a bad film called Dickshark.

Seven months later the House of Commons has granted the PM permission to officially begin the process of leaving the EU and we’re on to part 8 of that review and, to paraphrase Charlies Darwin, I now hate the dickshark more than any man ever has.

If you’d like to read the review from the beginning then it starts here. In summary, it’s a film whose wafer-thin plot revolves around an ill-advised use of experimental penis-enlargement cream that has turned a man’s genitalia into a shark, which was then shot off, into a toilet, and now roams free, looking for young women to terrorise.

The holey plot is accompanied by ad libbed dialogue, bad acting, a garage-band soundtrack, an editor whose only function seems to be to put as much of the film into slow-motion as possible, and is overseen by a man who calls himself Bill Zebub.

Bill is to directors as Donald Trump is to political orators; technically it’s an accurate description of what he does, but to use it cheapens all other purveyors of the same art and fails to plumb the fathomless depths of ineptitude they bring to the profession. His film is a transparent attempt to use the flimsiest excuse to film naked women, but even using flimsy excuses to film naked women is a long and proud cinema tradition that Bill, in his own ham-fisted way, manages to, against all odds, cheapen.

Case in point, we pick up the story with one of his actresses complaining, “I don’t understand why I have to be naked.”

Bill’s explanation is roughly what you’d get if you put a gun to the head of a totally stoned guy and said you’d shoot him in the fucking face if he didn’t explain evolution to you. Although, unlike Bill, they probably wouldn’t explain hemispheres of the brain by massaging your left and right breasts in turn.

By now I need surely not explicitly reference the misspoken lines and huge missed cues/pauses while Bill pulls the next line of dialogue out of his blow-hole. They’re there, though. Oh yes.

Having extracted all the information about the latest shark attack from the naked lady he then strangles her. Honestly, it’s like a 1960s “Pot makes you a killer” public information film, made entirely from the sweepings on Russ Meyer’s cutting room floor.

The heavy metal soundtrack kicks in an we’re treated to 20 seconds of a snow-covered landscape, which then cuts to Bill and Colin meeting, with no snow in sight. Editing, hell yeah!

Colin delivers a 30 second monologue on that horror film staple – whether sexual fantasies constitute unfaithfulness – while, the whole time, Bill dances around miming blow-jobs. Fun fact: if a print of this film touches a print of The Godfather it would create a matter/anti-matter explosion that would destroy the entire Earth.

Bill responds with his own monologue, on why lottery winners aren’t happier and then the risks of being self-employed versus being a 9-to-5 guy, during which he starts doing the hand motions for a hula dance.

OK, Bill is baked.

Colin talks about life-after-death, Bill talks about the great work that Colin was doing with “artificially flavoured intelligence” (yes, really), follow by more pot-inspired thoughts on speed-boats, how to create AI and whether they’ll also be able to create “artificial retardation” and…well, that’s quite enough of two men talking to each other, without a naked woman in sight, so we crash cut to a woman doing her make-up.

The heavy metal boys are back as well. Oh good.

If you imagine she’s safe from aquatic penis attack just because she’s indoors and away from open water then you haven’t counted on the abilities of a papier-mâché shark to back her into her bedroom before being thrown on top of her. I bet you feel pretty stupid now, eh?

We’re treated to another slow-motion rape scene, before we cut to the woman relating her experience to Bill (having put on her knickers, but nothing else, because she has a visitor).

“To be honest,” she explains, “I thought the ad in the newspaper was a joke, but, er, now that I was attacked I see you really shouldn’t read a book by its cover.”

I hope you’re jotting down these life lessons, reader.

It turns out the shark can now fly, which Bill describes as, “uncanny, but not unbelievable”. We’ll be judge of that, Bill, and it couldn’t be less believable if Sean Spicer was reading it out to incidental music provided by Milli Vanilli. To be fair even Sean Spicer would probably feel ashamed delivering this bullshit while fondling a woman’s boobs “for science”.

What follows could be a new late-night gameshow, where the participant can feel up a woman for as long as he can keep taking nonsense. Bill would be world champion, because he moves  smoothly from postulating a helium filled shark, to homosexual fruit-flies, to government-issued fake shark-repellent, whether wearing a condom would result in electrical brain-waves being disrupted and who the ‘they’ are in ‘they say’ (it could just be two guys!).

On the plus side, at the end of this stream of crap the actress’ character is actually treated to a name, Lydia. Having bestowed her with this honour Bill lays her on the bed, so he can lie next to her and continue his fondling while explaining the function of the shape of the head of the penis to her.

Having mocked everything about Bill I’m strangely starting to feel sorry for him. He’s clearly a tragic mansplainer, who wants only to off-load his pseudo-scientific facts and half-formed philosophy onto women. Because of this tragic personality defect the only way he can get any actual contact with a woman is to seduce them with offers of roles in his films. Maybe this film isn’t about dicksharks at all, maybe it’s a documentary about Bill’s fruitless search for a woman who loves having her tits clumsily mashed so much that she’s willing to put up with any amount of education retarding nonsense from a man who can deliver such.

While I was busy being struck by that insight I note that we’ve moved to Colin dragging a length of chain through the woods while Vanna, who died like 3 scenes ago, dances. That enigma can only be solved, sadly, by Dickshark IX…

The review continues here

 

We here at the SNP take allegations of bullying very serious – whether it’s Wastemonster bullying the Scottish Parliament, Labour bullying SNP members, the Tories bullying SNP members, people on Twitter with 4 followers bullying SNP members or somebody throwing their weight around by trying to viciously inject facts into an independence debate – we’re always the first to stick up for the bullied party, be they an SNP politician, a member of the SNP or just a supporter of independence. We like to think our record of standing up for the people we agree with in the face of bullies is exemplary.

This is why we’re so disgusted that Stephen Daisley should use his high profile Mail column to lash out at the SNP, John Nicolson and Pete Wishart. It’s a ugly sight to see a man punching down like that. Using his ability with words and stuff to lash out at a defenceless ruling party and two MPs who have nothing in their hearts but love for their independence-supporting constituents.

The only “crime” that Daisley can pin on these two upstanding Scottish citizens is that they didn’t like his writing. Honestly, does Daisley want us all to live in Nazi Germany? Isn’t it perfectly reasonable that these two men, men of fine judgement, may not like his writing? Doesn’t the right of free speech allow them to air these views? Has their right to peaceably assemble, perhaps with some senior STV executives, while they’re airing these views been repealed?  And don’t those same executives have the right to run their company as they and we see fit?

What Daisley is demanding is that these basic human rights are stripped away. He seems perfectly willing to reduce us to slaves, toiling away in his own Ministry of Truth. His article is nothing less than a full-frontal assault on all human rights and we sincerely hope to see it read out one day as evidence at his war-crimes trial at the Hague.

Daisley, disingenuous to the last, actually tries to suggest that Wishart and Nicolson were the ones acting improperly and that Scotland has become a one-party state. Of course he knows perfectly well that, now we’ve got the Greens house-trained, we’re a two-party state. Nowhere in the article does he mention, even in passing, that he had the complete freedom to set up his own television station and broadcast whatever vile messages the Westminster culture, media and sport committee would let him.

Daisley’s article then is nothing less than the opening blast of the trumpet that calls for a charge towards the marching of jackboots and the slamming of concentration camp gates. He is happy to trample over the huge number of Scots who have democratically called for independence and made their pen crosses next to the name of their SNP candidate.

In light of the enormity of writings we hope that our friends at Wastemonster will join with us in demanding that there is no further platform provided for his vile writings unless he shows himself willing to respect human rights and democracy by writing what we tell him to.

In this article Maren Thom argues the case against casting a women or a minority actor as The Doctor, following Peter Capaldi’s departure from the role.

Her argument has two main prongs of attack.

1. The casting inherently reflects who the character is, and
2. Doctor Who, along with many other shows, has already become too focused on the character and has lost its story-telling element.

Point 1 is illustrated with references to James Bond and his background as a failed aristocrat, which apparently mandates a white male actor.

She stops short of applying this logic to The Doctor, which is wise, as it falls down completely when you do so. Even if we accept that ‘failed aristocrat’ = ‘white male’ (despite the evidence of, say, Baroness Chakrabarti proving that it’s possible to be black, female, aristocratic and an abject failure all at once) it doesn’t shed any light on the equation ‘ancient alien time-traveller’ = ???

The only things inherently male about The Doctor are his desire to make it clear that he’s the cleverest person in the room and a reluctance to stop and ask for directions.

The second point is tacked on, perhaps to try to shore up the already weak first point, but even a cursory glance shows that it’s nonsense. Yes, the shrinking universe phenomenon, where literally everything seems to revolve around the central character, is a serious problem, but the examples given – Star Wars, Sherlock and James Bond are all centred entirely, or almost entirely, around male characters.

A hidden assumption is being slipped in that if The Doctor isn’t a white male then the programme must be about them not being a white male. That is clearly an issue for the show’s writers, not the casting department, as is the challenge of making The Doctor a character in a larger universe, not a character who embodies the universe.

Even if the writers do want to play with the new characterisation then that raises possibilities. For huge swathes of human history the overlap between ‘authority figure’ and ‘white male’ has been almost complete. A female or ethnic time-traveller could find their life much more difficult. This is touched on in Family of Blood, where Martha struggles to persuade people in the England of a century ago that she’s a doctor. I don’t think anybody would suggest that Family of Blood is a turgid public-service lecture on racial or sexual equality, so why assume that’s the direction the whole programme will take if there’s the slightest deviation from the 54 year old formula?

Where, then, does that leave us? I’m personally fairly neutral about whether The Doctor is male, female, black, white, green or has two heads and an extra arm for ski-boxing. What the show needs is a kick up the arse in the writing department. Casting the titular role should be a search for whoever the show runners deem can best deliver what the writers are going to provide and, given where the show’s at, who are we to straight-jacket their choice?

 

In the summer of 1972 a hard-core porn film, Deep Throat, which had been made for less than $50,000, grossed more than $1 million in its first seven weeks in the US box-office. It became a porn film that was a hit with the middle-classes, people queued around the block to see it, it was discussed in polite society and talked about by serious film critics.

Those in the know said that it had been such a runaway success because of its relatively high production values, a passable script (including such unheard-of-in-porn features as character development) and a genuine desire to transcend its fuck-flick roots. This, in turn, birthed a strange idea; that it was possible to make a ‘respectable’ porno. That with the right talent and the right budget a porno could attract A-list celebrities, who would normally be seen in more mainstream fare, and create a “real” film, which just happened to explicitly show people having sex.

Attempts to bring this dream to fruition mainly died. The budget was never raised, or was never high enough to attract mainstream celebrities (if, indeed, they could be attracted), or the demands of the agents of those celebs saw the film being watered down into no more than a titillating, but mundane, feature (Brian De Palma’s Body Double being a prime example).

Perhaps the film that came closer than any other was 1979’s Caligula.

Bob Guccione, the founder of Penthouse magazine, put $17.5 million into bringing his vision to the world. The screenplay was written by Gore Vidal, the cast was headed by Malcolm McDowell, Helen Mirren, Peter O’Toole, Sir John Gielgud and Maria Schneider (who left the film, uncomfortable with the nudity and sexual content of her role), and famous Italian soft-core porn auteur, Tinto Brass, directed.

Brass disliked Vidal’s script, it included too little sex, and what in what sex scenes there were homosexual encounters vastly outnumbered heterosexual ones. He made so many changes that eventually Vidal demanded that his name be removed from the screenwriting credit. Brass also clashed with Guccione, refusing to film the hard-core scenes that had been the film’s raison d’être.

Eventually, once Brass had shot enough film to “make the original of Ben Hurr fifty times over” he was removed from the project, before the editing stage. Guccione’s team edited the film together, shot additional hard-core scenes, using the Penthouse Pets that Guccione had hired as extras,  and added them to the film’s already lengthy running time. Brass disowned the film. Gielgud condemned it as pornography.

For UK viewers at least the problems didn’t end there. The British Board of Film Classification objected to the film’s sadism, its graphic rape scenes, the incest, and pretty much everything, really. Though the film was submitted to them without the hard-core material they still cut nearly ½ of it before allowing it to be screened in this country.

What was left was less a towering porno epic – The rising and falling of the Roman Empire – and more a staccato mess that would make Mind the oranges, Marlon! look like Kubrick’s work.

Who, then, is to blame for the huge and expensive mess that Caligula became?

Perhaps if Bob Guccione had really been interested in making a great film then things might have been different, but he made his play for the lowest-common denominator. He was, ultimately, just a grubby little pornographer who left others to get screwed while he made profit.

Or maybe Brass is to blame. He had the day-to-day control, after all. He tried to strike a balance between Guccione’s demand that the porn be as hard as possible and Vidal’s intelligent treatment of the subjects of powers and control, and fell too much towards Guccione’s side (but, ultimately, not enough to please him, or prevent Brass’ ultimate removal from the film).

Maybe even Vidal could have done more, maybe recognised that his vision wasn’t what people wanted. If he’d had a clear voice, and less inclination to wash his hands of the project, then perhaps he could have carved a true epic that would be remembered today outside of its cult-following.

It’s probably irrelevant now, what we’ve been left with is an attempt to recapture a rose-tinted vision of long-gone opulence, that managed no more than getting a lot of people fucked.

In Neil Gaiman’s highly acclaimed Sandman series of graphic novels there’s a chapter where Lucifer decides to abandon Hell. He evicts all of the residents, locks all of the doorways there and gives the key to the series’ titular character, Morpheus.

Many characters descend upon Morpheus to try to buy, cajole or take the key from him. At the story’s conclusion two angels, Duma and Remiel, reveal that the creator of Hell – the traditional Abrahamic god – has decided that the ownership of Hell is too important to be given away and that they will assume responsibility for its running and reopen it as a place of eternal punishment.

By the end of the arc Hell is exactly as it was before except, as Remiel informs one of the damned…

There will be no more wanton violence; no further suffering, inflicted without reason or explanation. We will hurt you. And we are not sorry. But we do not do it to punish you. We do it to redeem you. Because afterward, you’ll be a better person … and because we love you. One day you’ll thank us for it.

I’m not sure what made me think of this today.

The answer that the damned sinner gives to Remiel, as he flies away, is the title of this post.

 

One of the things that 2016 brought me was the chance to attend a 50th birthday party for a woman who was 49.

She was throwing a 50th birthday party because one of the things that 2016 had brought her was a diagnosis of cancer.

It was sort of a joke, because along with the diagnosis was a prognosis that, with the right treatment, she had 3-5 years. Even for a nearly 50 year old that’s a while. It’s enough time to exit things neatly and with dignity, to say your goodbyes, to tick off a few items on the bucket list, to reflect upon your life.

It’s not good, at not-yet 50, to be told that you won’t see 60, but when your peer group are also starting to realise that their eternal youth was a lot shorter than forever, and that the discreet cough of the grim reaper is, suddenly, not that far behind, it’s perhaps just a case of adjusting to the ultimate reality a little ahead of the rush.  Five years is still, after all, a decent length of time.

Then, in Christmas week, there was another trip to the hospital for her, and the realisation that cancer is a disease that will shamelessly steal from a dying woman. It has taken her five years and left her with months, perhaps weeks. It’s taken the joke of her 49th birthday party and made it, in all likelihood, her last birthday party, it’s ruined her last Christmas, tonight she’ll see in her last new year, 2017 will be her last year.

We’ve followed the, surprisingly well-defined, social conventions for watching her death on social media. She has been told that she’s brave, she’s been told that, hairless, she’s beautiful, she’s been told that she’s strong and will beat this disease, but we know that – barring a miracle – next birthday, next Christmas, next New Year, we won’t being celebrating with her, but remembering her.

And I don’t know how you tell ageing and infirm parents that they’re going to outlive their only daughter, I don’t know what you say to a husband with long a history of depression when you know that you’re not going to be around to support him much longer, I don’t know how you explain to a severely autistic daughter who, despite her 20-odd years of age, will always believe in a world of Santa Claus and Disney Princesses, that within a very short space of time you’ll be gone from her life forever.

I don’t know these things because I haven’t asked, and I haven’t asked because there are some hells so deep, so terrible, so painful that you don’t ever want to know what lies within them.

To be honest I haven’t asked her much, or even said much. Nothing stilts a conversation like two people waiting for the same thing; it turns out that waiting for a malignant disease to crush a life can be as mundane as waiting for a lift to descend or a taxi to arrive. Each tick of the second hand is a tiny hammer-strike, knocking another word that should be said now deeper inside. Only the hugs are honest. Only the hugs convey a genuine goodbye, a true desire not to have to let go. She hugs people a lot these days.

If this was a blog I was going to publicise, or even care if other people read then I’d try to think of a neat way of ending it, but really it’s just a bunch of things I wanted to write down. If there’s a lesson then I suppose that while, like a lot of people, I’ve felt a bit like 2016 has taken a shit on me it hasn’t, not really. I’m ending it warm and safe and healthy, with my family, and I’m not counting the days I have left with them.  Maybe tonight’s the time for us to think not of what we want from 2017, but to instead be grateful for what 2016 spared us.

What’s happening?

Jamie Reed, the Labour/anti-Labour MP for Copeland, has written to Jeremy Corbyn, informing him that he will be standing down from his seat (which makes no sense, btw) at the end of January.

He is leaving to take up a role as Head of Development and Community Relations with Sellafield Ltd., the company which operates the nuclear power station.

What does this mean?

Although the expectation is that Jamie’s new role will focus on development and community relations, which he will head, there is little detail yet as to how large his team will be, where he will fit into the company’s hierarchy or the day-to-day operation of his role.

As Mr Reed is currently an MP it’s unclear as to whether the “development” portion of his title refers to literally developing the plant. Mr Reed’s 71,500 tweets contain little, if anything, to suggest that he is familiar with the mechanics of constructing a nuclear power plant.

Is defeat inevitable?

Not at all, Jamie Reed has proved himself to be a popular MP who is well liked on Twitter and, as such, is likely to excel in the community relations portion of his job.

It’s easy to see him delivering an outstanding performance in areas such as organising tours of the plant for schoolchildren, sponsoring local charity events, meeting with regional political operatives and publicising the work that the plant does to “give back” to its home area.

Far from defeat being inevitable it’s entirely feasible that his strengths in this area will be sufficient for the company to overlook that he was clearly bull-shitting when he said he could develop a nuclear power station.

What does the future hold for Copeland?

For the immediate future it’s likely that Mr Reed will remain resident in the Copeland area, given its proximity to his new employer, although this may change if his new role turns out to involve a great deal of travel to alternative locations, such as London.

In the longer term Copeland is likely to contain a Mr Reed who is looking for, and perhaps achieving, promotion opportunities, either with Sellafield Lrd. or with other employers.

While he is resident in the Copeland area it is expected that local businesses will continue to receive a portion of Mr Reed’s salary.  At a minimum it is unlikely that his direct spend on, say, milk and bread will move out of the region.

What about Jeremy Corbyn?

That Mr Corbyn has enjoyed a professional relationship – albeit not entirely friendly one – with Mr Reed would provide a valuable foot in the door should Mr Corbyn be seeking sponsorship for, for example, a junior sports team, especially one based in the region of the Sellafield plant.

At this time it is not clear whether Mr Corbyn has any connections with such a team, or whether he’s put aside his personal animosity towards Mr Reed in order to secure much-needed funding for them.

And on the political front?

There will be a by-election, the winner of which is yet to be announced.

[Note: This article provides commentary for McChristmas Carol – Part 1]

I should have put more commas in.

That bit still makes me laugh.

I don’t think anyone got that joke.

Aye, that’s alright.  I suppose.