Allah, allah, allah, what’s all this then?

Legal blogger Jack of Kent has uncovered evidence that the Home Office has an agreement with Saudi Arabia to provide, “UK expertise in the wider security and policing arena“.

You can read about it here (and I recommend that you do).

In the meantime, if any UK police officers are working in Saudi you should be aware their culture is quite different so here’s a handy guide to how to adapt:


Don’t say… …instead say
“I am arresting you on suspicion of theft, contrary to section 1 of the Theft Act (1968)…” “If there’s any clapping you want to do you’d best do it now”
“You have the right to remain silent…” “Hold still, or the pins don’t go under your fingernails right!”
“It may harm your defence if you fail to mention something you later reply on in court.” “If you speak in court then your other leg gets broken as well.”
“Sorry, sarge, he tripped and fell down the steps.” “I beat him senseless for looking at me, sarge. Can I get a promotion?”
“The duty solicitor will be in to see you in a minute” “The duty torturer will be in to see you in a minute. So…had all the kids you want?”
“We’ve got all the evidence we need to bang you up, sonny!” “The King says you did it. You calling him a liar?”
“You will be released on police bail until your trial..” “Your trial was yesterday. You lost.”
“Owing to insufficient evidence we’re dropping the charges.” “Owing to insufficient evidence we’ve concluded you’re a sorcerer. This isn’t going to go well for you.”
“You’ll get life for this!” “You’ll get half an hour for this…in the public square…next to the bloke with the sword.”
“Do you have any idea how fast you were driving, ma’am?” “What the hell are you doing driving a car, you whore?”
“Sorry your Royal Highness, I didn’t realise it was you. On your way, sir.” “Sorry your Royal Highness, I didn’t realise it was you. Please don’t have me killed! I’ve got a family!”
“Want to go out and get lashed after work?” “want to go out and watch the lashing after work?”

While all of this can seem strange at first the expedited evidence gathering (no evidence required) and reduced paperwork (please don’t do any paperwork, Amnesty International spies are everywhere) leave the police free to concentrate on ridding the streets of apostates, sorcerers, pro-democracy bloggers and unaccompanied women.

The Saudi Arabian police is an equally opportunities employer and there are many roles open to female applicants – policeman’s wife, policeman’s sister, policeman’s daughter, housewife, policeman’s 2nd wife…the list just goes on and on.

Also, don’t worry if you’re not a Muslim or a royalist – there are vacancies opening up all of the time for quality control testers in the torturers’ department.

And if you feel uneasy about any of this remember it’s all sanctioned by the good old British government, who are selling public services to keep this whole show going and making sure that the Saudi government gets to meddle in British courts as much as they like and takes their rightful place on the human rights council.

Just relax and enjoy your new career as the hired thug of a brutal dictatorship, supplied by our democratic, accountable government.

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