Congratulations on your new baby and welcome to the SNP’s brilliant new Baby Box™ that contains the essentials for raising a healthy, happy child.

In this box you’ll find:

SNaPpies – Yes, we have our own SNP brand of nappies – SNaPpies, each one made from sustainable, recycled SNP manifestos; scientifically proven to hold more shit than any other material.

Baby Grow – Smashing tartan sleepwear that will give your infant plenty of room to grow and move.

Baby Stunt – Smashing tartan MP3 player (128Mb) and headphones to help sooth your baby off to sleep with the white noise of a gentle Scottish lilt repeating, “We need independence”, “Yoons are bad”, and so on.  Will completely ruin your infant’s ability to grow emotionally or move on.

Dummy – Every box contains a tiny child-sized dummy.

Paddle – Discipline is an important part of raising a child, and there’s no better way to discipline your baby than with this hand-stitched leather paddle, embossed with an extra-stingy Union Jack.  There’s also a handy list of phrases to read out as you beat your child, such as “It’s the Tory’s fault you’re being punished!”, “Why aren’t Scottish Labour trying to stop me, eh?” and “I wish I could stop hitting you, but only full independence will give me the power to do that.”

Books – There’s nothing better than some state approved literature to help start your child on their journey into education.  As well as the SNP manifesto each box will contain Getting started in Scots, which will explain to your child that it’s fine just to make up their own words and spell them how they like, and Scottish mathematics, which aims to show them that the numbers mean what you want them to mean and that any numbers you don’t like can be ignored.

An introduction to your child’s named person – Telling you everything you need to know about them, what information they’ll be collecting about you and your child and what additional data and records they’ll have unsupervised access to.

Blanket – A lovely Saltire blanket to coddle your child.  If they wrap it around themselves it will feel warm and comforting, or they can duck their head underneath to hide from monsters and facts.

The box itself – The box isn’t just a container for all of these goodies, you can use it as your baby’s first cot (and the lid is soundproof, for those mornings when you just need ten minutes’ peace for your bangin’ heid).  You can also use it to dodge the 5p carrier bag charge, take your empties back for the deposit or as a giant ashtray that you’ll only have to empty once every couple of weeks.

Of course the most important gift of all is the gift of Scottish citizenship, and no box (or union*) can contain that, but when you first place your child in the soothing SNP-yellow box you know that you’re setting them the road to being a well rounded citizen and ,whatever the future brings, whether they end up protest camping in November or scrawling ridiculous notes in bars, the SNP will be there for them every step of the way, saying that they are helping them.

* Some unions are fine, essential even. Please consult your SNP representative for details.