[Author’s note: This post started life as a series of tweets, which you can read here. Hopefully I’ve managed to fix all of the typos.]
SNP Scottish GCSE Maths
Time allowed: 1 hour
Instructions
- DO NOT USE PENCIL! NEVER. Y’CANNA TRUST “THEM”
- Attempt all the questions
- Show your working out, unless doing so would be embarrassing
- There are a total of 100 marks available. Probably. Please let us know if there aren’t
- If you can’t answer any of the maths questions then please write “What does a dog-food salesman know, anyway?” in the answer space.
Question 1.
You are told that X has a value such that:
X² – 11X + 10 = 0
Answer either part (a) or part (b) below.
a) Calculate the value of X, show your working
(5 marks)
OR
b) Draw the X so it looks like a wee blue and white flag
(15 marks)
Answer: ________________________
Question 2.
A country holds a referendum asking, “Should we be an independent country?”
2,001,926 people, which is 55.3% of the voters, answer “No”.
Explain in detail how statistical methods can show that they were wrong, their opinion should be disregarded and they should be asked the same question again next year, to see if they get it right.
Answer: ________________________
(250 marks and a Holyrood job, guaranteed)
Question 3.
Every year the Scottish government produces a special report that shows its income and expenditure.
This year the report shows that the government has an income of £x and a total expenditure of £y.
Without knowing the value of x or y tick which of the following statements that you know to be TRUE.
a. Saying y is greater than x is just talking Scotland down
b. The value of x would, somehow, be much higher if Scotland was independent
c. There is a high probability the report is biased against Scotland
d. We’ve got a bonny flag and we wave it lots
e. Oil was always just a bonus
f. The wee blue book is the only report I trust!
(5 marks for each one you tick)
Question 4.
The average value of a house in Lambeth is £850,000.
Andrew can walk from his house in Lambeth to his job as an MP, in Westminster, in 15 minutes.
Andrew’s salary is £75,000 per annum.
Assume that Andrew’s salary is based on 220 8-hours days per annum and that he includes his time walking to and from work in his working day.
If Andrew is walking at 4 miles per hour then calculate how far Andrew would have to walk in order to earn the value of his house.
While you’re distracted doing that Andrew will claim £42,000 on expenses for hotels in Westminster.
In the space below write why Westminster is so “wasteful”.
Answer: ________________________ (Hint: It’s because of the Tories)
(5 marks)
Question 5.
Nicola has 63 sweets. If she had 2 more sweets then she’d have more sweets than all of the other children combined.
Ruth has 31 sweets.
In the space below write down all of the bad things that you think should happen to Ruth for not giving her sweets to Nicola, and tell us what you most dislike about Ruth.
Answer: ______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
(20 marks)
Question 6.
Kezia says that if taxes on the 1% of the population earning over £150,000/year were raised by 5 percentage points then her country could offset some of the Conservative government’s austerity measures.
Show why Kezia is a traitor by completing the sentence below using the biggest number you can pluck out of your arse.
Answer: “If we do that without being independent then ____________________ people will leave Scotland!”
(10 marks)
Question 7.
The graph below shows the changing price of crude oil over a number of years.
a) Using the graph paper provided draw a better graph, one that proves that Alex was right all along.
(10 marks)
b) On the same graph draw a line showing whisky export duty. Label this line “Thieving English cunts”
(25 marks)
c) From the graph given estimate when crude oil prices will reach $0 per barrel. Explain how you’d defer declaring Nicola’s Jockopter to the Electoral Commission until that date.
Answer: ________________________
(100 marks, and a shot in a Jockopter)
Question 8.
The Named Person programme is designed to use a single point of contact to help avoid human error, miscommunication and people “slipping through the cracks” in serious child protection cases.
The government have allotted £61 million per annum to this programme.
The government have decided it will apply to all children up to the age of 19, of which there are 1.2 million.
a) Use maths to calculate how much money, per annum, has been allocated to each child.
Answer: ________________________
(5 marks)
b) Explain what fucking good fifty quid per child is supposed to do.
Answer: ____________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
(50 marks for anything, anything at all, really)
c) Assuming that:
- The majority of named persons will be teachers
- There is roughly one teacher per 30 children
- All of the money from answer (a) is given directly to the teachers
- Each child the teacher is responsible for will generate an average of 2 hours of case work per month
Explain how the teachers would be better off flipping burgers in McDonalds.
Show your depression and anger.
Answer: ________________________
(No marks, but if you smile at your maths teacher next time you see them perhaps they’ll let you “go large” for free)
Question 9.
Natalie has £30,000.
The following table shows how many police officers Natalie has talked to over the last 6 months.
a) Estimate how many police officers Natalie will see in June.
Answer: ________________________
(5 marks)
b) If Natalie gets 1 month in prison for each £1,000 she cannot account for, but is automatically paroled when she has served ½ of her sentence then, in years and months, how long will she spend sharpening her toothbrush into a crude weapon in Cornton Vale?
Answer: ______Years, _______ Months
(14¼ marks)
Question 10.
Dave wants to buy a house for £150,000, and he has a deposit of £20,000.
Unfortunately his mortgage lender demands a deposit of 20%.
A short time later Dave has his house, Michelle has £10,000 that was Dave’s and Michelle’s solicitor has been struck off by the Scottish Law Society.
Calculate an appropriate length of time for the Law Society to wait before telling the police about any of of this.
Answer: ______Years, _______ Months
(25 marks)
Bonus Question.
The graph below shows the percentages of pupils in different age groups performing “well” or “very well” in numeracy for 2011, 2013 and 2015.
Explain the graph. Please, please, help us out and explain the damn graph. We’ll take anything; undelivered vows, depression caused by the SNP not getting a majority, anxiety at the EU referendum…anything that means we don’t have to take responsibility.
Come on, son, gi’ it your best shot.
Answer: ________________________
(A* marks, straight off the bat)
End of exam, go and have a Bucky!
Excel Pope 