Some people – mean people – have accused the Leave campaign of having no plans for Britain in the event of a Brexit win, just because they never discuss such plans, publish them, make any hint that they exist, or answer any questions about them.
Obviously this is rot. So, for the first time, here are the post-Brexiting Leave plans.
Day 1 (AM)
Barely have the results been announced than Nigel Farage is on telly to say he’s stepping back from political life. He cites having achieved his life-long political goals as the reason and says he is leaving the UK to take up a board-level job in the US. Asked whether he’ll be taking a government job he’s got his mike off and is into his Jag before the interviewer has had time to cut to the studio, where they are breaking the news that the pound is now worth less than the Wakundian Pebble.
Day 1 (PM)
Boris Johnson turns up on TV for his 8am interview. He is unshaven, badly hung-over and is wearing a tuxedo with bits of sick on it. In his short interview he repeatedly swigs from a hip flask, congratulates Donald Trump on becoming president, promises to be the mayor of all of London and, when reminded about Brexit, says he is looking forward to the “insurmountable challenges” of it, and then hastily changes this to “problems which will define and outlast this generation.”
David Cameron appears on TV to say how sorry he is that the Remain campaign was unsuccessful, apparently unable to hear the millions of people yelling “I’d have voted for them if you’d been on the other side, you toxic shit”. He confirms that he has invoked article 50, giving the EU the required 2 years’ notice that Britain is leaving, and says that he will be stepping down as Prime Minister at the end of the day.
Addressing calls from Scottish Nationalists for a second independence referendum he says that it’s time for the country to stand together and that every UK citizen now has a duty to respect the will of the majority and try their hardest to make Brexit work.
This contrasts starkly with Boris Johnson’s view that “…we’d be well shot of the pasty, work-shy, McScroungers. The only good thing they ever gave us was Billy Connolly”. He then launches into an impersonation, although it quickly becomes clear that he’s had one of his trademarked mix-ups. The result is so embarrassing that even the normally insensitive Boris peters off during his second encore of Summertime.
After a short, but bitter, week of infighting the new government takes shape. Boris Johnson, as expected, emerges as PM, having fought off a large and disillusioned group of pro-Remain MPs who supported Jeremy Corbyn as the new Conservative leader, “To widen the debate”. Beating back the rebels Boris quips, “As I’ve supported both Remain and Leave I think the debate is wide enough with just my voice, and my Scottish chums tell me that our new chancellor [Iain Duncan Smith] is as wide as they come”.
Michael Gove takes the post of Home Secretary. As punishment for supporting the Remain camp Jeremy Hunt is given the worst possible assignment and left exactly where he is.
A video leaked to YouTube shows a surprised David Cameron being offered, and accepting, the role of Foreign Secretary, and then having Boris Johnson tell him that the post is being abolished because, “…we’re not going to have any more truck with that foreign lot.”
Cameron’s supporters claim that Johnson himself leaked the video, and the PM’s denial is weakened by him saying, “You owe me £250, Jeremy Beadle,” directly to camera at the end.
Andrew Marr puts IDS on the spot, asking how he reconciles his resignation over austerity measures with the swingeing cuts to public services he has just announced. As Smith flounders Marr asks whether it was wise to announce massive tax-cuts at the same time. Marr then interrupts his waffling answer about ‘stimulating business growth’ to ask if his announcement that he was removing the VAT exemption on food, reportedly “because I fucking well can” is also stimulating the economy.
At this point IDS pulls out his mobile phone, sends a text and then comments, “Oh dear, remember that budget that the BBC used to have?”
The situation in the migrant camp at Calais grows increasingly desperate, with many tens of thousands of people trapped there whilst trying to flee unimaginable horrors.
One of the refugees, interviewed by Time magazine, says, “I’ve told the French police over and over again that we still have the right of free movement, but they won’t let us out. I can’t take my kids back to Essex! They need to grow up seeing TV programmes that don’t involve Jim Davidson or Mike Reid!”
The election of Donald Trump to the US presidency is hailed as a triumph for common sense by the Prime Minister, who resolves to strengthen the special relationship and invite President Trump to visit the UK, just as soon as he’s resolved the strike by airport ground staff over the acceleration of plans for ‘Boris Island’.
The Prime Minister proudly announces that, working with his Home Secretary and Lord Chancellor [Lady Hopkins of Yeovil], he has managed to find a way to resolve the ground staff strike and, simultaneously, create thousands of new jobs in airports across the country.
Britain officially leaves the EU and goes it alone. The Prime Minister, wide-eyed and shouting, appears on TV to announce and exciting new trade deal with Cuba and says he expects to start importing French wine again by 2023. He says he is personally saddened that so many investors chose to leave Britain and the economic toll that has taken, but says that over the next year all of the money that would have been paid in EU membership fees will go to opening more hospitals; hopefully allowing up to 5 to be fully operational and staffed across the UK.
After more than 30 days of complete silence from the remains of the government Gove appears on Radio 4’s Today programme (“Betfair are the proud sponsors of thought for the day”), where he tells all 18 people who can still afford to run a radio that, “Walking naked down Oxford Street, equipped with a rectal sausage and a ceremonial sword to behead cockroaches is entirely consistent with the office of Lord Chancellor.”
Prime Minister Johnson addresses the entire population (Gove and Hopkins) while they finish off the IDS left-overs, telling them that, “One thousand days ago people despaired, but here we are; 100% white middle-class, 100% employed, migration at far, far less than zero, no queues in A&E, nobody listening to anything other than Radio 3. To think that people said we didn’t have a plan!”
“I missed Nigel,” says Gove.
“We all miss Nigel,” replies Katie, while the sun, finally, sets on the British Empire.