After recently burning up 1,100 words reviewing just the first 7½ minutes of the no-budget film Dickshark, I have decided to jump back in.

We left the action with a clay-like penis, moulded into the shape of a shark, being shot off and vanishing down a toilet (see, this is why it took so many words for so little film), let’s continue…

To sandwiches. On a plate.

They form the centre-piece of a picnic in the woods, where an un-bathed Bill Bailey look-a-like and his lady friend, Vanna, are dining al fresco. Actually, al fresco, may be a little classy, as they literally have a plate with 2 uncut sandwiches on, a grubby looking rug and Vanna has neglected to dress in more than her bra, knickers and a pair of heels.  If you skipped part 1 then I remind you this is “not a porn story”.

Vanna is hungry to the point where she could, “figuratively eat a horse”, yet spits out her first mouthful of sandwich. Bill Bailey is concerned that she may be choking and reassures her that he knows some manoeuvres. Tempting a lingerie model into the woods using only 2 sandwiches is presumably the most  impressive of them.  Vanna tells him that she’s fine, but the sandwich is disgusting.

“Would you rather figuratively eat a horse?” asks the disappointed musician/comedian.

“Yes! And illiterately too!”

I swear, I went back and replayed the bit of audio over and over, and she really does say “illiterately” and everybody on the production team was obviously pretty fucking cool with that.

It turns out the problem is that Bill made peanut and butter sandwiches, while Vanna wanted peanut butter.  Bill, who obviously spent so long in his enticing models class that he missed everything else in life, is confused and claims you can’t have peanut butter, because you can’t milk peanuts.

“Speaking of milk,” says Vanna, as sinister music suddenly appears, “Have you been suckling the teat of another woman?”

I wonder how many miles she trekked through the woods, in only her shreddies, thinking, “If only he’d mention something connected with mammaries, so I can confront him about his unfaithfulness”.

The conversation that follows defies description. It takes in Vanna following and spying on Bill, communism, why adults shouldn’t use metaphors or similes, what the plural of ‘metaphor’ is anyway, Bill admitting he’s cheating on Vanna with multiple woman and ends with her telling him that, “I wish you weren’t so charming. It’s impossible to stay mad at you”.

That conversation takes 56 seconds! There’s enough material there for an hour of a normal/properly made film.

As they move on to whether Bill is paying for sex he protests, “Do I look the kind of guy who has to pay for sex?” (he looks like the kind of guy who has to pay extra for sex, since he asked), “I’m not like an ageing movie director who only cops a feel by paying models to be in his movies and who writes parts for himself that have him making out and groping them.”

I’m not normally good at picking up subtle foreshadowing in films, but I’ve got a bad feeling about where this is going.

“Nor would I make clunky dialogue more palatable to viewers by having a hot woman half-naked on the screen while my character waxes poetic.”

OK, I didn’t think it was going to go that badly.

Finished with this massive, self-indulgent wink at the audience we actually get some plot! Julian (see part 1) was Bill’s room-mate, and he didn’t survive being shot in the shark by Rachel.

Rachel, however, told Bill the real story of what happened…

“His penis became an independent life-form.  Well, it was dependent, because it was attached to him. Not for long…I don’t know if it was long…probably not.”

Jesus, Bill, the girl was telling you the story of how your room-mate’s penis became a shark and you couldn’t even be fucking bothered to listen properly!  Didn’t you ask questions?  Did you at no point think, “I’d better remember the details of this story, as I’m likely going to have to re-tell them at some point…possibly at some sort of trial or committal hearing”?

Bill thinks that the Dickshark may have survived.

“That just puts the ‘dick’ in ridiculous,” quips Vanna, who’s surprisingly quick for a girl who doesn’t know the difference between “literally” and “illiterately” and who forgot to finish off getting dressed this morning.

It turns out that the penis enlargement cream, last seen in part 1, was being developed by Bill for “another purpose” (Bill deflects a question about this purpose with “that’s not the important part of the story”, and I don’t think he’s speaking in character) and he labelled it ‘Penis enlargement cream’ as he thought the shame of using it would be enough to keep everybody away from it.

A few minutes ago Bill was pontificating about the importance of adults having open, direct conversations, yet seemingly couldn’t tell his room mate, “Don’t touch that stuff, mate, it may turn your penis into a finger-eating shark”.

Actually, he may have a point. That does sound pretty irresistible.

Moving on. It turns out that Rachel has since been shot dead. Vanna gets unduly nervous that Bill may be looking for forensic evidence and explains that if she has any gunpowder residue on her it’s because she’s a marksman and she wore the bra that’s currently 33% of her clothing to the gun-range.

Vanna, love, it’s a week later, you’re in the middle of the woods and Bill’s equipped only with 2 peanut and butter sandwiches…this is not a forensics shakedown.

No, it turns out Bill thinks the penis-shark is the culprit. The immediate question is ‘How?’, but we’re distracted from asking this by it becoming painfully clear that whatever else Bill has done he hasn’t bothered learning his lines for this scene and is ad libbing like mad. Vanna has learned her lines, bless her, and it’s therefore a tragic shame that they don’t match up with the nonsense that Bill’s spouting. Through this muddle we learn that Bill tried the cream on his pet spider, which then escaped. “You need to stop fucking around with science,” Vanna advises, “It might come back to bite you on the ass.”

Ooo, there’s my foreshadowing sense again.

Bill decides it’s time to get fruity with Vanna, but has pop off first because he has to, “urinate out of my penis” (honest to god, I’m not making this up, that’s exactly what he says). He vanishes screen left and we hear an “Ow!, although it’s not entirely clear if this is a scripted cry, or simply Bill tripping over something…possibly the enormity of the crimes he’s committing against cinema.

And suddenly we cut to a pair of breasts being fondled. They’re not Vanna’s (too many tattoos), so I assume we’re in a new scene, and I’ve written another 1,100 words on 7 minutes of screen time.

I’ll be back!

The review continues here