[Voice-over]

Previously, on Dickshark…

[Montage of naked and semi-naked women, Bill (the director) fondling said women or boring them stupid with ad-libbed nonsense, a toy-shark protruding from a man’s fly, a toy-shark that’s been sculpted to look like a penis, a woman in her underwear saying “illiterately”]

Not previously, on Dickshark…

• Fully-clothed women
• Men who are less than fully-clothed (unless you count the one with his fly open to allowed the titular beast to peak out)
• Anybody who could act, or has ever seen somebody else act, or is at all familiar with the concept of acting
• A sense that there’s a script for this film, or that any editing has taken place, or that anybody involved has any interest other than getting it all in the can as fast as possible
• Basic human decency or self-respect

[End voice-over]

If that’s not enough for you then part I of this review can be found here, and each blog has a link at the end to the next in the series.

I’d also like to add a footnote to the last one to say that, in retrospect, they were the two most unusual scenes I’ve ever seen in a film.  The first, thanks to its extensive drone filming of a tower and a waterfall that were literally just background to a conversation, may be the only scene ever filmed where the establishing shot is longer than the meat of the scene.  The second, I realised afterwards, is filmed entirely in slow-motion…surely a first.

Now you’re up to speed on we go.

Back to the Premier Inn hotel room, where a new couple are talking.

The pair of them are discussing how they’re much better off swimming here than at the river, because a woman was verbally assaulted by a shark there.  Yes, they do say ‘verbally’.  Both of them.

As an aside, at the point the screen-shot above is taken the women (who – and this is an outstanding achievement – is notably much worse at acting than anybody who has been in this film so far) is addressing the curtains on the subject of how she’s “not one of the retard who gets [their] science from the mainstream media”.   Too right, miss – the mainstream media is always saying how it’s impossible for a penis to transform into a shark, so you’re right to distrust them.

After another minute of dialogue the director realises his audience might be flagging to half a tea-cake, so we dive back into slow-mo while the…no, I can’t call her an actress, she is to acting as anti-matter is matter, if you made her shake hands with Meryl Streep the resulting explosion would destroy the universe…whatever, she’s going for a swim.

I’m not a betting man, but I’ll happily wager a fiver this is a set-up for a fight with a piss-poor shark/penis prop, during which she’ll lose at least half of her bikini.

[Voice-over: “Two minutes later”]

This why I’m not a betting man. She swam, in slow-motion, with her male friend and another bikini-clad woman and none of them were attacked or lost any clothing!  In fact, as if to stick rigidly to my preconceptions of this film, the man swam fully clothed.  It’s almost as if the director is a connoisseur of what might put his viewers off their stroke while they’re relaxing in private and watching his film.

That short, seemingly pointless, scene over we’re back with Bill and Vanna, once again dining al fresco, but this time Bill has made peanut and margarine sandwiches.

Bill, having ruined Vanna’s pefectly simple request twice now, then complains that Vanna isn’t wearing fishnet stockings and a garter belt.  The da-da-DAH music that accompanies this was surely intended for the scene where Vanna though he was going to dust her down for gunpower residue, but close enough, eh?

Vanna assures him that she doesn’t want his climax to be anticlimactic, so sends him off to urinate out of his penis while she gets ready.

Now, not wanting to suggest that ‘Bill’ (who’s actually called ‘Dick’ in the film, but whose “real” name is Bill Zebub…I swear, I’m not making this up.  How could I?) is a wafer-thin disguise for the director, but we are now treated to several minutes of close-ups of Vanna in her stockings, including two toe-to-head panning shots and two 15+ second shots dwelling on her bum.

Even though she’s not naked this portion of the film feels like the most exploitative so far.  There’s something about them that reminds me, rather uncomfortably, that this film is really just an excuse for a director with a dick name to dress up women how he likes them and spend a lot of time crawling all over them with a video camera.  At least with most of the earlier scenes you could write them off as being just a continuation of the long, long horror tradition of undressed women being attacked by monsters, but these few minutes break that excuse.

Fortunately Bill returns -and until now I never thought I’d be glad to see Bill appear in a scene- and, over a glass of wine, explains that he has a hypothesis that the dickshark has split into smaller creatures and that all but one of them has been killed (film making rule 1: tell, don’t show!), but that one has escaped into the water system, if the girl by the river “is to be believed”.

As the alternative to believing her would be her independently fabricating a story about being sexually assaulted by a penis-shaped shark, just like the one that’s gone missing, I personally wouldn’t entertain much doubt that she’s telling the truth.

Vanna, no doubted excited by the talk of fish raping, decides that it’s time to get off with Bill and – OH MY GOD, IT’S GOING TO HAPPEN IN SLO-MO!!!

NOOOOOO!!!!

[Voice-over: 7 minutes and 20 years later]

As Bill (who hasn’t so much as unzipped his pants, natch) has fallen asleep half-way through administering oral sex Vanna decides to put back on her bra and knickers and, armed with a previously unseen fishing net, wade into the lake and catch the dickshark.  Something that she does with no apparent fuss.

As there’s another 1½ hours of this film to go they’re going to need a lot of really slow-motion scenes…unless it all wasn’t as easy as it seems.

By the by, the song that started when the sex commenced continues all the way through the dickshark catching scene and – as a slow, guttural, metal dirge – is entirely inappropriate for both of them.  There’s a long-standing rumour that The Wizard of Oz syncs up perfectly with Pink Floyd’s The Dark Side of the Moon, this film doesn’t even sync up with its own soundtrack.

Right, relax – between netting the shark and getting it back to shore something happens.  I’m honestly not sure what. Vanna has the shark in her net, then she’s hit in the face with about a pint of beige-coloured liqued, then she drops the shark back into the water, then she’s walking back to Bill (apparently having stopped, en route, to put her stockings and heels back on, but take her knickers and bra off).

Then, for no reason, she gives Bill a good kicking and crawls off to fetch her gun, cunningly concealed under the picnic blanket (and if you’re upset by this sudden female-on-male violence then there’s a couple of close-ups of her crotch to make you feel better about yourself).

Before she can turn the gun on Bill a huge spider falls on her…and then immediately falls off again, on the grounds that it’s clearly a stuffed toy.  Presumably this is Bill’s pet spider that escape after being subjected to the dickshark cream, as mentioned last time we saw Bill and Vanna having a picnic.

What follows is a little confused, so it may be that it wasn’t the film-maker’s intention to make it look like Vanna was just raped to death by a spider.  I appreciate that, under normal circumstances, it would be hard to mistakenly give that impression, but this isn’t a normal film, so let’s gloss over that a little.

No sooner is Vanna dead than (a) the spider vanishes and (b) her phone rings.  Bill answers it, in a falsetto voice, and it turns out its Colin, asking Vanna if the “job” is done.

Shit! Some of this does actually make sense! Vanna was supposed to drug Bill (which is why she gave him wine, and why he pretended to fall asleep during cunnilingus) and then catch the shark. She beat him up because she knew he’d only pretended to be drugged and was going to shoot him because he was on to her.

Spider shit still don’t make no sense, though.

On the phone Colin carelessly confesses that he and Vanna were behind the murder of Rachel, and Bill (still falsetto, pretending to be Vanna) persuades Colin to meet up with him.  In case you’re bored by all this talk every time Bill speaks the camera returns to Vanna’s nude corpse…to cater for the necrophiliac viewers, maybe.

With Colin agreeing to meet Vanna in 4 hours the scene, mercifully, comes to an end.

The review continues here