Date : November 2, 2015
From: Milne, Seumas
To : Core Team Victorious
Subject: Message calendar

All,

One of the most important parts of any political campaign is making sure that we’re all disseminating the right message at the right time.  Starting from today my office will begin issuing a message calendar, which shows which subjects we’re focussing on each day.  Please make sure that all members of the team and especially all press liaisons are aware of the day’s message and stick to it.  I suppose we’d better let the shadow front bench and our MPs know about it as well.

Do let me know if you have any comments or questions.

Together we can win,

Seumas

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Date : November 3, 2015
From: Milne, Seumas
To : Core Team Victorious
Subject: Re: Message calendar

Thank you for all of your feedback yesterday. To answer the main concern raised, obviously the calendar will not be absolutely rigid – we need to respond to events as they unfold and if an opportunity arises to stick it to the Tories by changing our message then we’ll take it.

I’ve appointed Steve to handle day-to-day updates of the calendar and ensure that the latest copy is sent out as soon as it’s available. We all know what a hard-working and committed volunteer Steve is, and what a great job he’ll make of this.

Do let him know if you require any updates to the calendar.

Forward to victory,

Seumas

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Date : November 9, 2015
From: Milne, Seumas
To : Core Team Victorious
Subject: Re: Message calendar

Great week last week, everyone, you all worked really hard. I believe that our party should recognise hard work and so, with immediate effect, I’m promoting Paul to the position of Steve’s assistant.

We all know how hard Paul has worked for this promotion and hopefully his workmanlike approach to communications will ease some of the strain on Steve and resolve the issues you’ve been experiencing getting in touch with him.

Tomorrow’s dawn will be glorious,

Seumas

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Date : November 27, 2015
From: Milne, Seumas
To : Core Team Victorious
Subject: Re: Message calendar

I cannot stress enough how important team communications are – if we don’t send out a unified message then the party will appear disjointed and incompetent. Politics is a fast-moving business and we have to move fast to keep up with it.

I don’t know why certain people have acted the way they have, but anybody else I find with an automated delete of messages from Steve or Paul will be subject to a disciplinary process!

Together we will triumph,

Seumas

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Date : December 3, 2015
From: Milne, Seumas
To : Core Team
Subject: Re: Message calendar

Effective immediately message calendar updates will no longer be sent to the offices of the 66 MPs listed on the Left Unity web-site link that I forwarded last night.

Any requests for the calendar from those offices should be directed to me, please don’t bother Steve or Paul…they have quite enough on their plates.

Labour today, tomorrow and forever,

Seumas

—————————————————
Date : December 14, 2015
From: Milne, Seumas
To : Core Team
Subject: Re: Message calendar

Unfortunately Steve is off sick and is not expected back in the office for a couple of weeks. Paul will be handling message calendar updates in Steve’s absence and I’ve asked Alan to assist him.

I will be putting the stapler incident down to Steve’s ill-health and there will be no further investigation of the matter. Bill and Brian’s get-well-soon card is circulating the office, if you’d like to sign it.

Labour: joining workers together,

Seumas

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Date : December 14, 2015
From: Milne, Seumas
To : Core Team
Subject: Re: Message calendar

I am shocked that people who describe themselves as socialists would say such derogatory things, especially on a widely circulated mailing list. We’re short-staffed and have to make do, so Alan will remain as Paul’s assistant.

My word is final,

Seumas

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Date : December 15, 2015
From: Milne, Seumas
To : Core Team
Subject: Re: Message calendar

In retrospect it was a mistake for Jeremy’s Christmas card to show a one-man vehicle that was going nowhere, but I can’t believe that you lot talked about it just because it was accidentally put on the message calendar. I do expect you to use your intelligence and judgement, people.

In other news, I’ve been asked to provide somebody to assist on the transport policy and have, reluctantly, concluded that Alan is the only person who is available. He has now left our team, sorry that there wasn’t time to organise a collection for him.

All martyrs to the cause shall be honoured,

Seumas

—————————————————
Date : January 4, 2016
From: Milne, Seumas
To : Team
Subject: Re: Message calendar

Welcome back, I hope those of you lucky enough to get a break over the Christmas period really enjoyed it. I’m pleased to announce that Steve is back with us and is resuming editorial duties for the message calendar. ALL updates and enquiries are to be e-mailed to him, please don’t disrupt his work by phoning and DO NOT turn up as his desk.

On an unrelated note, the stationary cupboard is now to be kept locked. Karen has the key if you need anything.

With respect and tolerance we shall win over the electorate,

Seumas

—————————————————
Date : January 4, 2016
From: Milne, Seumas
To : Team
Subject: Re: Message calendar

I can’t believe I have to spell this out to you idiots, but the calendar exists to SUPPORT Jeremy. If he decides on a different message for the day then that is up to him, and he doesn’t have to clear it with the likes of you!

Obviously the reshuffle is now on the calendar, you don’t all need to e-mail Steve about it.

Get on with it,

Seaumas

—————————————————
Date : February 19, 2016
From: Milne, Seumas
To : Team
Subject: Re: Message calendar

Steve’s inbox seems to be full of people complaining that there’s not enough on the calendar about the EU referendum. With him now only working 3 days a week he really doesn’t have time to wade through dozens of e-mails saying the same thing, so let me make this clear…the British public aren’t that interested in the referendum and one day per week, or every couple of weeks is quite enough talk about it.

Also, if you’re unsure whether something the calendar is genuine or a “Steve-ism” then please contact Paul for clarification.

We are united,

Seaumas

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Date : March 1, 2016
From: Milne, Seumas
To : Team
Subject: Re: Message calendar

Just to be clear, when “EU referendum” appears on the message calendar we are for REMAINING in the EU.

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Date : March 1, 2016
From: Milne, Seumas
To : Team
Subject: Re: Message calendar

Apologies, that last e-mail was sent to the whole list by mistake, but was only intended for Jeremy. Please disregard it.

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Date : April 8, 2016
From: Milne, Seumas
To : Team
Subject: Re: Message calendar

Steve has resigned from the team with immediate effect and should be removed from all further correspondence regarding the message calendar.

I think that we always knew he wasn’t truly behind Jeremy and his failure to manage the message calendar effectively has undermined the party and reduced our chances of winning the next election. I have made it clear to Steve that this is personally his fault and that we see his appalling sickness record as indicative to just how willing he was to sell us out to the Tory scum.

On a brighter note, this gives me the opportunity to promote Paul, in recognition of his tireless work, and Alan will be rejoining the team, as Lillian now says she doesn’t need him. Thanks, Lil, you’re a star!

Respect, tolerance, togetherness,

Seumas

—————————————————
Date : June 9, 2016
From: Milne, Seumas
To : Team
Subject: Re: Message calendar

We are FOR REMAINING. I’m not sure I can make this any simpler.

—————————————————
Date : June 9, 2016
From: Milne, Seumas
To : Team
Subject: Re: Message calendar

Sorry, did it again.

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Date : June 24, 2016
From: Milne, Seumas
To : Team
Subject: Re: Message calendar

Please ensure we stick RIGIDLY to the message calendar today. We ARE NOT commenting on Jeremy’s remarks until we decide what they meant and whether he said them.

With honesty, integrity and unity we shall succeed,

Seumas

—————————————————
Date : June 27, 2016
From: Milne, Seumas
To : Team
Subject: Re: Message calendar

We’re suspending the message calendar for this week, for obvious reasons.

Better together,

Seumas

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Date : June 29, 2016
From: Milne, Seumas
To : Team
Subject: Re: Message calendar

Actually, make that two weeks.

Better off red,

Seumas

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Date : July 8, 2016
From: Milne, Seumas
To : Team
Subject: Re: Message calendar

Henceforth the message calendar will be treated as confidential. Alan will update the calendar each day, and I’ll personally brief Jeremy. Paul has left the team, let’s hope he enjoys that benefits cap. I should have known not to trust Greenwood when she sent that fuckwit Alan back to us. No offence, Alan.

If you need to know the message of the day then please report in person to my office, with proof of your loyalty.

Obedience and purity breed strength,

Seumas

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Date : July 11, 2016
From: Milne, Seumas
To : Alan
Subject: Re: Message calendar

I give up. Just put down whatever addled nonsense your 10-watt brain can manage to transmit to your typing finger.

Dignity for the future,

Seumas

—————————————————
Date : August 26, 2016
From: Milne, Seumas
To : Alan
Subject: Re: Message calendar

NOT THE FUCKING TRANSPORT POLICY. STOP TALKING ABOUT TRANSPORT. BUILD SOME FUCKING HOUSES OR SOMETHING!

Fuck you,

Seumas.