Hello, I’m here today to speak on behalf of the association of blindfolded knife-throwers (ABKT)

People born with the innate desire to chuck around lethal weapons, while being unable to see where they’re chucking them, have been around for all of recorded history. In many societies they were both revered and celebrated, although imperialist Western society has a shameful track record of regarding them as little more than freaks and circus entertainers.

We have a unique opportunity now to correct these historic injustices and allow blindfolded knife-throwers to live their lives with dignity, and as their true selves.

Not a kink! Not a fetish! Not that many survivors!

Blindfold knife-thrower rights are human rights!
(A great phrase that seems very meaningful, so long as you don’t take the time to actually think about what, if anything, that meaning might be)

Some people, on hearing that slogan, ask “What rights do blindfolded knife-throwers want?” After I’ve reported them to their employers, for being bigoted, I tell them this:

The right to be our authentic selves. Blindfolded knife-throwers don’t want to be shut away behind closed doors. We want the right enshrined into law that wherever we are, be it in the office, the shopping centre or the park, we can blind-folded and throwing sharpened steel around.

A small number of fascist right-wing Nazi women get all hysterical and period-y about this, claiming that this, somehow, reduces their rights.

Rights aren’t a pie, Karen! Just because you give somebody more rights doesn’t mean you have less!

Knife-throwers have been in these spaces for decades, without issue, yet we’re now supposed to believe that giving them the absolute legal right to throw their knives will, somehow, lead to a greater risk. Try to find the logic in that, if you can!

The right to remove barriers to being recognised as a knife-thrower. The present processes for becoming a blindfolded knife-thrower are expensive and overly bureaucratic, with the requirement to buy specially weighted knives, training for perhaps thousands of hours, and not be in A&E so often that you get invited to staff Christmas parties.

None of this is necessary. Medical research[1] now favours an approach that anybody who says they’re a knife-thrower is one, even if all they have are their suspiciously large collection of hunting and boning knives and a few heavy-duty bin-bags full of enthusiasm.

The truth is that if someone knows themselves that they are a knife-thrower then they are. They are not obligated to meet any standards of skill or accuracy placed on them by the non-throwing community. Even asking them to do so is prioritising the already privileged voices of non-throwers.

After all, if anybody really understands what it means to be a knife-thrower then it’s a member of the community that we’ve just said literally anyone can join, no questions asked.

The right to representation. Blindfolded knife-throwers are currently so underrepresented that not a single member of parliament is an “out” thrower.

To correct this we are proposing that self-identified knife-throwers be allowed to also stand on all-women shortlists and all-BAME shortlists, have at least one representative in cabinet, and that all votes for them, in any election of any sort, count double.

This is, simply and plainly, fair.

Accurate representation in the media. We also want a code amongst show-runners, producers, directors, etc that all films and TV shows will include a knife-thrower, and that the knife-thrower will always be played by someone who identifies as one. Always.

To help gain popular support we’d like Mrs Brown’s Boys to the first show to include a blind-folded knife-thrower.

We’d also like the publishing world to completely ostracise J K Rowling for her disgusting portrayal of knife-throwers as evil, through the character Bellatrixie LeStrade, who uses knife-throwing to murder the house-elf Dibby, in the Harry Potter series of books and films.

This character is consistently presented as evil and it’s made very clear that she is evil because she’s a knife-thrower. Or so I’ve been told, the book’s transparent throwerphobia is too distressing to allow me to read it.

This can only be fixed by Mrs Rowling publicly apologising, admitting that nobody has ever been killed by a knife, giving every penny she has to pro-knife-thrower charities, agreeing never to work again, and offering to be stabbed up a bit, until she’s dead.

Remember, not a single house elf ever killed by a throwing knife!

Proper access to health-care for knife-throwers. And their allies. Especially their allies. Those prepared to publicly say that anybody who believes they’re a knife thrower is one doesn’t deserve to have to wait in A&E for ages.

The total eradication of all anti-thrower bigotry. This should be a given, yet a group of stupid women keeping arguing with us. This is so strange when you consider that every knife-thrower needs a women, preferably of some sort of revolving turntable, so we are interested in genuine equality for them and are honestly amazed that so many of them are too stupid to understand this.

Aside from the everyday courtesy of recognising that self-identified knife-throwers are who they say they are, and always refer to use by our stage names, all we want is that the following activities be declared criminal:

  • Suggesting that throwing deadly weapons, while being unable to see, is anyway dangerous or likely to cause injury
  • Resisting blindfold knife-throwers in gaining any rights, including but not limited to, the ones listed about, that they might decide they need in the future
  • Asking perky, impertinent questions, such as, “What rights are you actually asking for?” “Do you acknowledge you’re removing other people’s right to walk through the park without risking a fucking dagger hitting them in the face?” or “Is any of this remotely sensible?”
  • Claiming that any of those are valid, reasonable questions, rather than pure hate-speech
  • Oh, and “Are you just making it all up as you go along?” That should be illegal as well
  • Employing anybody convicted of anti-thrower rhetoric, are who is suspected of it, or who follows anybody who is suspected of it, or who has ever liked a tweet by…well, you get the gist
  • Trying to prevent pro-knife-thrower groups from visiting school, to teach kids not to be afraid of people who simply enjoy throwing knives around, handing out knives to the kiddies, etc.
  • Disputing that knife-throwers are the most oppressed minority group, in all of history, forever
  • Writing thinly-veiled satire of knife-thrower ideology, or reading same
  • Suggesting we’re all a bunch of pricks

In conclusion. I hope this has helped you understand that blindfolded knife-thrower rights are human rights and next time you’re asked what that means repeat the slogan again, you’re not here to speak on behalf of blindfolded knife throwers, stay in your lane!

Anyway, I hope I’ve got my point across.

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