Let me start by saying I have no choice but to review this game. I have literally no agency in the decision to write this review. None at all. I’m like one of those soldiers who had to only obey orders. Actually, nobody has even ordered me to write this. That’s how subtle the control the forces of darkness wield are. Even though nobody would notice or care if I didn’t write this review and I could, literally, stop writing at any time, the decision is somehow completely out of my hands. Please don’t blame me for this.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, I’d like to spend the next 6 paragraphs talking about Lembit Opik. This may puzzle you, as Opik wasn’t involved in any way with the production of this game, but he does look like what would happen if Harry Potter found out at the age of 11 he was really an accountant, and I’ve been nursing a grievance against him for three decades, so here – in this review that you’re reading to find out if the game is any good or not – is the best place to air it. Right, here we go…

[The following paragraphs have been cut on the advice of my, and several other people’s, lawyers]

Four-eyed git.

Straight off the bat I’m giving the game 0/10 for including Harry Potter. That’s right, the game set in Hogwarts does even include Hogwarts’ most famous student. In fact, I think it all happens years before the events of the books. It’s hard to be sure, though, because every time somebody starts explaining something to you a little prompt, reading “Skip”, appears in the corner of the screen, and I thought that was an instruction.

This means that the plot, as far as I can work out, is skip, skip, skip, and then suddenly fighting a statue, alongside an older gentleman. I assume that this is some sort of metaphor that Opik, who didn’t write the plot, has worked in. It’s so obscure I can’t work out what it means, but it’s doubtless racist and probably homophobic. That’ll be 0/10 for plot as well, then.

I should add that not only is Harry Potter not in this game, but you have to do the work of deciding who is. You literally have to think of your own character name, decide what they look like – right down to their hairstyle – and even choose whether they sleep in the wizard or witches’ dormitory. Now, in the last game I purchased (Doom II) the game designers weren’t too busy being hateful to find time to do all of this stuff for you, and that’s how things should be, so 0/10 for design.

On the other hand, I panicked and accidentally gave myself a man-bun and, shortly thereafter, was sorted into Slytherin House, so a reluctant 9/10 for continuity.

Of course, once you actually get sorted, and get to wander around Hogwarts, the problems really start. First off, the place is massive, with all stairs and corridors and secret passageways and rooms and shit. Then you discover there are loads of outside locations as well (Why wasn’t this game called Hogwarts and Environ Legacy, eh – 0/10 for accurate naming!). Honestly, nobody has got time for all this shit.

And you will need a lot of time. It seems that, in their twisted ‘wisdom’, the developers – no doubt guided by Lembit Opik – have decided to move away from the traditional ‘Z’ for left, ‘X’ for right, space-bar to fire controls. Getting around now involves two joysticks and about 16 buttons, often using two of them at the same time! I can only assume this game was designed for the booming market of octopuses suffering from polydactylism. A well deserved 0/10 for controls it is.

Finally, the graphics. I must admit that, in places, they looked quite stunning. Not much good to me, though, because I’ve spent three days walking into a wall, trying to find out which of these damn buttons you press to go left. To take the least charitable interpretation, which I must while Opik is living rent-free inside my skull, they probably just hired good graph people to do a couple of scenes and a bit of wall texture, and the rest is shite. Other games are probably much better. No, I’m not saying which ones. Go on, then, 1/10 for graphics. But only because that wall texture is quite realistic.

I did let my 13 year-old son play the game and he thought it was brilliant, but he was doing stuff like casting spells, riding a broomstick, and defeating 30-foot tall monsters, none of which I saw, so the little shit had probably sold my copy (which I hadn’t paid for, honestly) and bought a different game instead.

In summary, then…

Including Harry Potter	0/10
Plot	0/10
Design	0/10
Continuity	9/10
Accurate Naming	0/10
Lembit Opik	0/10
Controls	0/10
Graphics	1/10
Honesty of 13 year old son	0/10
Enabling me to deal with differences of opinion in an adult fashion	0/10
TOTAL	10%

Final Verdict: I hope that I have satisfied you that I am properly in your cult, even though I have played this game. Please don’t hate me for running into a wall for 3 days, I HAD NO CHOICE!