Hi, nice to meet you, I’m the new leader of the Labour party.  You’ll be hearing a lot more from me over the next few years, but if I may I’d like 5 minutes to talk now, before it all kicks off.

I expect you want to know all about me.

Well, I’ve a working class background and I’m not one of these professional politicians, but I am a skilled communicator and debater who can handle a political party in the modern piranha pond of social media.

As a committed Blairite I’ll be taking the party back to the left, putting money into the NHS and the public sector, getting a fair deal for the working man and ensuring that nobody goes hungry or homeless in our country, but with an economic plan based on cutting the national deficit by lowering spending, not raising taxes.

I’ll be the first to admit that, in the past, Labour has overspent, but I will also be focussing on the future and not getting drawn into dwelling on historical mistakes.  I’ll be pushing to get the Chilcot report published immediately.

In Scotland I’ll be reaching out to the nationalists, looking to heal the divide that has grown between Scotland and England and in Westminster I’ll be making it clear that the Scots won’t be holding the reins in my government.  Just like the unions.

For the next General Election I’ll be telling the electorate, “A vote for anybody else is a vote for the Conservative party,” but I welcome the diversity that UKIP and the Greens have brought to UK politics and we’ll be sticking to our core value of inclusiveness by aiming our policies at them while making sure that Labour is not being dragged left and right by fringe groups.

We’ll welcome the valuable contribution that immigrant workers make, but make sure that there’s fewer of them anyway.

I will be looking straight at the camera and eating the bacon sandwich. None of this will be carved on a stone. Russell Brand can go fuck himself.

I hope I have your vote.