Cameron’s Britvision

With one week to go until the Queen’s speech the most talked about policy is undoubtedly David Cameron’s plan to remove the UK from the Eurovision contest and replace it with a ‘Britvision’, which the PM hopes will end European judges being able to overrule British ones with regards to the crappiness of British songs.

Mr Cameron’s plan has a great deal of support from the majority of the easy-read newspapers and the articles he e-mails to The Daily Telegraph and he doubtless believes that he is preserving Britain’s great musical tradition, which stretches all of the way back to the founding of The Status Quo in 1215.

He has however attracted criticism from the pro-European wing of his party, lefties, lawyers, Bucks Fizz fans and those who say that Gove’s experience as a journalist and owner of Guitar Hero on the Playstation don’t equip him for the task in hand.  It is certainly the case that the long-await Britvision rules, started by Chris Grayling in 2012 after an all-night session on Sing Star, have yet to be published.  It’s unclear at this stage whether the Prime Minister’s intention is for Britain to withdraw from Eurovision altogether, or to compete on its own terms under a scheme where only the British judges can vote on British entries.  As political blogger Darren, 8, from Hounslow, points out, “If only the Brit judges cn vote for us we can’t not get enough points to win will we?” – a question Mr Cameron has yet to answer.

Nor is it certain that Westminster can force Scotland and Northern Ireland to drop out of the Eurovision.  The Good Friday Agreement guarantees Gerry Adams a place in the UK short-list, although, to date, his cover version of the Sex Pistol’s God save the Queen has not been chosen as the UK entry.  Additionally the Scottish Parliament have already stated that they would like the opportunity to enter Andy Murray into the contest, representing only Scotland, just as he does when losing at tennis.

And this is before we consider possible House of Lords opposition to the plan, with rumours that Dame Sandie of Shaw intends to delay any Britvision bill for as long as possible.

All in it’s hard to reach any conclusion other than Mr Cameron has handed Michael Gove a poisoned chalice.  Mr Gove’s office seems up-beat about the situation, “Poisoned chalice?” they commented, “That’s a great name for a song! Have you seen our copy of Guitar Hero?”

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