As dawn travels Westward it carries with it a wave, millions of people strong, of those waking to find that today there is an inexplicable emptiness in their hearts. A mere few thousand of them, the world’s squarest inner circle, understand that it is because Twitter has taken Balustrade Lanyard from us and left only , “The profile you are trying to view has been suspended,” in his wake.
The out-pouring of grief-stricken tweets (greets) has led many to ask, “Who was Balustrade Lanyard?”
He was the man who thought what we were feeling, felt what we were hearing, said what we were sensing, dreamt what we were seeing and led us to places that we thought we might have been to before, possibly, didn’t there used to be a bookies here?
Already it is becoming impossible to separate the man from the myth. While some argue that there was only ever one photo of him others now say that any photo taken of him became the iconic, one and that no other image could be captured. His face is said to have appeared baked into the crust of every loaf of bread on sale in Greggs this morning and his trademark flag can sometimes be glimpsed in the background of photographs of Benjamin Netanyahu. A rumour is circulating that he has been suspended for writing every possible tweet, so that he knew how this whole social media thing would end.
All we know for sure is that, whenever an overly-serious man pokes a flag through decorative railings Balustrade Lanyard shall be with him, and with us all.
“My father’s house has many rooms, even one with a pool table.”
– Balustrade Lanyard