Victory Corbyn

Me, standing up for what was right in the 80s
Me, standing up for what was right in the 80s

Reproduced below, Jeremy Corbyn’s speech on the occasion of his historic victory of the Labour leadership contest

Thank you, thank you everybody!

I have so many people I need to thank for my rise to leader of the Labour party, and many others who I’ve been advised to avoid thanking.  Unfortunately I have very little time before I’m ousted, so I’ll try to be brief.

I like to think I’ve run a clean campaign; I’ve been accused of being an idiot, a political dinosaur, a Marxist, an anti-Semite, a terrorist sympathiser and, in a bizarre twist right at the end of the campaign, an actual literal dinosaur.  However, I have focussed not on my naysayers, but on the issues – how we must help the poor, build homes, support education, leave NATO…and so on.

But now that I stand here it seems obvious what the priority really is, and if I only have time to implement one policy (which is a very real possibility) let it be this one…

Effective immediately I’d like to announce the dissolution of the Labour Party.

The party is over.

Bevan has left the building.

I know this will come as a shock and a disappointment to many of you, but really, look who’s addressing you as party leader.  We tried our best to pick a leader and all we got was a fight like chucking out time at the Scottish Parliament and three people who couldn’t even beat me.  The only people who have come out of this with any kind of political gain are the Conservatives…on which note I’m sure you’ll all join me in wishing George Osborne a speedy recovery, we’re all hoping that he will regain his eyesight very shortly.

During the campaign I saw an Internet web-log article entitled ’13 reasons not to support Corbyn’ and number 9 was suggesting that, under a good leader, Labour could hope to gain enough seats to make the Tories a minority government.  That’s when I realised Labour had become just political noise, getting in the way of parties that had fancy things like principles, ideology and competence.  From where we are now it’s too much to hope that we could dream of cobbling together even one of those three before May 2020.

Don’t be too sad to see the party go, it’s not like it leaves a yawning chasm in the UK political scene.  If you’re on the left there’s the Greens…that’s where I would be going if I wasn’t as toxic as a cup of tea from Vladimir Putin and as crazy as trying to get high by smoking live weasels.  If you want a centrist party there’s the Lib Dems who, for all of their failings, at least managed to elect a new leader without causing David Cameron to have to buy bigger swimming trunks.  And, of course, over on the right there’s the Conservatives and that there UKIP, with their sensible policy of always electing the same leader.

That’s pretty much it, really.  We did a lot of good things; workers’ rights, minimum wage, human rights, freedom of information and all that jazz, and it’s just a shame that we then screwed the pooch on pretty much everything else.  We’ll be using the remaining party funds to give people their £3 back, unless they were cats all along.

I always suspected the cats.

Finally I’d like to thank my fellow candidates and wish them well for the future.  I believe that Liz is embarking on a UK tour to find everybody who used the ‘RedTory’ hashtag, Yvette is thinking of moving on to a political party that understands politics and Andy…well, wherever somebody has need for a suit that can talk, Andy will be there.  I, for my part, will be guest host on ‘Have I got news for you’ in early 2016, providing the BBC makes it through the winter.

Goodnight to supporters of the Labour party, and goodnight to my supporters, and a goodnight to the entirely wrong number of people who were in both those camps. Lights off!

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