Inspired by @strnks viral ‘How Friends should have ended’ I have decided to revisit the depressing ending of the classic late 70s/early 80s space-opera Blakes 7.

If you’re too young or too drunk to remember the series followed the adventures of Rodger Blake, a political dissident convicted in a show-trial conducted by the evil galactic federation, who managed to get his hands on an alien-built spaceship, Liberator, that was the fastest and best at fighting ship in the galaxy [Inspired by show creator Terry Nation buying a Datsun Cherry, which had features unheard of in British cars of the period, such as rust-free door sills and starting].

Blake built a crew of other opponents of the federation, only ever hitting on the titular number 7 by counting AIs, a pro-type Raspberry Pi and, occasionally, stage hands who’d carelessly wandered onto the set.

Blake himself was thought killed at the end of the 2nd series and his 2nd in command, Avon Ladycalling, took over, further proving that sacking the man who drew the title card was a terrible mistake, missing apostrophes or not.

In the latter half of the 4th and final series Avon learns that Blake is still alive, and posing as a bounty hunter on a planet called Guada Prime, which was an agricultural world and not a fancy cheese as you may have thought.  Avon and the other =RANDBETWEEN(1,6) members of his crew go to this world and pretty much all end up dead.  Avon shoots Blake, believing him to be in bed with the Federation and its evil ruler, Servalan (Annie Lennox).

Federation troops rush in and surround Avon, who gives a half smile and raises his gun…and then the screen went black, shots were heard and Blakes 7 ended forever.  Myself and the show’s other fan have carried the mental scarring caused by that bleak ending for more than 30 years, but now it’s time to show how it really ended…

COMPLETE DARKNESS. SHOTS RING OUT

LIGHTS COME BACK ON TO REVEAL AVON, STILL STANDING, SURROUNDED BY A RING OF DEAD FEDERATION TROOPS.

SERVALAN IS BACKED AGAINST THE WALL, A LOOK OF TOTAL SHOCK ON HER FACE (IF SFX CAN’T MANAGE TOTAL SHOCK THEN LIGHT SURPRISE WILL DO)

THE CAMERA PANS ROUND THE ROOM TO REVEAL JEZ CORRBIN HOLDING TWO LASER PISTOLS.

SERVALAN: Jez Corrbin!  The clone of the man the Federation pounded into defeat 1,000 space years ago!

JEZ: That is correct, Servalan.  I have returned to end the hated Federation!

AVON: Me and my crew will stand behind you, Jez!

AVON LOOKS AT THE PILE OF CORPSES AT HIS FEET

AVON: Mainly me.

SERVALAN: This is madness, Jez, you can’t hope to defeat us. We have 50,000 ultra-death class star cruisers in this quadrant alone, we have mind control drugs, we have labour camps, we have battered the population of this galaxy into docile submission.

JEZ: The people of the galaxy will rise up to support me.  You will be crushed, Thatcher Servalan!

SERVALAN: Really?  They didn’t rise up to support the man you’re a clone of.

JEZ: That was a millennium ago.  Since then they have grown sick of the evil grip you exert on the galaxy and the freedoms you deny its citizen.

SERVALAN: We’re polling quite well, actually.

AVON: Polls prove nothing, Servalan, you know that!

AVON GOES TO FIRE HIS GUN AT SERVALAN, BUT ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS HIMSELF IN THE FOOT INSTEAD.

AVON (HOPPING): Ow! [TO SERVALAN] Your right-wing media attacks can’t stop me, bitch!

JEZ (TO AVON): Please don’t use insults.  If we’re going to take down the Federation it must be through a message of hope, a promise of freedom and re-galacticising interplanetary transport.

SERVALAN: You’re an old fool, Jez. The people of the galaxy may say they want freedom and peace, but what they really want is stability, a few more credits in their space-pockets and somebody willing to stop migrants from the Andromeda galaxy getting in.

JEZ: You underestimate the human spirit, Servalan, that was always your downfall.

SERVALAN: Yeah, right, that’s why we’ve been in power for 1,000 years – constant underestimation.

AVON: Can you just address the Andromeda migrants thing, Jez?  I’m not to sure about that.

AVON’S GUN GOES OFF, SHOOTING HIM IN THE OTHER FOOT.  HE FALLS TO THE FLOOR.

AVON: Ow! [TO SERVALAN] You’re only attacking me because you’re scared of me! I’ll show you!

AVON BEGINS RANDOMLY FIRING HIS GUN AT THE CORPSES ON THE FLOOR, SHOOTING AT BOTH EX-FEDERATION TROOPS AND HIS OWN FORMER CREW-MATES.  THE NOISE WAKES BLAKE WHO WASN’T DEAD, BECAUSE PLOT.

BLAKE (SITTING UP): Jez!

JEZ (TO BLAKE): Yes, Blake, I’ve returned to lead the fight against the Federation again.

BLAKE: Hang about, I was doing that a few years ago, and your tactics are out of date.  The galaxy has changed and you need to adapt.

AVON: ENOUGH!

AVON SHOOTS BLAKE OVER AND OVER AGAIN

AVON: He had that coming. He was a convicted criminal, you know.

SERVALAN: I’ve had enough as well. I’m leaving you to it.  When you’re in a position to take over the galaxy give me a shout.  See you in 1,000 years, boys.

SERVALAN EXITS

JEZ: Thank you for your support, Avon, even though you’ve crippled yourself and killed somebody who was on our side.  Now, in this room, we will spend the next 4 years plotting Servalan’s downfall.

AVON: And sending those Andromeda bastards back!

SCREEN FADES TO BLACK

JEZ (VOICE-OVER): OK, firstly; the planet Malvin-A really belongs to the Canis Major galaxy…

And that’s how it *should* have ended!