So you want to be a conspiracy theorist?

There comes a time in almost every life when you have to face up to the inescapable truth that you might be ordinary.  You’re never going to achieve, or even run for, high office, beyond those required by your mind-numbing job you have no special talents, you’re not about to break into Hollywood, people aren’t going to fill stadiums to hear you sing or speak, that time you won ’employee of the month’ three times on on the trot was eight years ago and the only written down element of the generation-defining novel you’ve been plotting in your head for a decade is “Bob was dead good at fighting”, and you’re not even sure that’s a proper title.

worlds greatest son
Your mum says you’re special, but she won’t look you in the eyes when she’s saying it

What if you didn’t have to be ordinary?

What if there were a world-spanning conspiracy that controlled every aspect of the lives of billions of people across the globe; controlled what they saw, what they heard, what they believed, what they thought?

What if you knew all about it, but most people didn’t?

You’d be pretty fucking special then, wouldn’t you?

Sheeple, pictured yesterday

All it takes is the decision on your part to simply believe any old shit you’re told.

Well, not any…you don’t want to be having truck with that stuff that gets reported via the Main-Stream Media (MSM), which is to be automatically assumed to be false.

Don’t trust the Chinese media either!

For example, here are some bad sources of information, spewing out lies for the purposes of deceiving the sleeping masses:

  • BBC, ITV or C4 news
  • Newspapers that other people have heard of
  • Any magazines that are ‘peer reviewed’
  • People with genuine qualifications
  • Web-sites affiliated with any of the above
  • Web-sites that look like they were designed by somebody competent, post-1998
  • Books from the non-fiction/grown-up sections of the library/bookshop
  • People who disagree with you (see ‘Shills’)

And some good sources of information, telling the truth to the wise, in the face of mass opposition:

  • Russia Today, especially during their ‘George Galloway rants until his underpants are full’ segments
  • Newspapers/magazines that have to be ordered specially
  • Newspapers/magazines that are only on-line and don’t list their staff, sources or reference any articles other than their own (and use ‘As we’ve previously explained…’ to introduce a lot of their links)
  • People who have qualifications from correspondence colleges, or no qualifications, or great qualifications in an unrelated disciplines, or who change the subject when asked about their qualifications, or who have had their qualifications deleted by men in black helicopters.
  • Books that 8 year olds would describe as ‘cool’
  • Books that read like they were written by 8 year olds
  • YouTube ‘documentaries’
  • Bloke down the pub
  • Things you dream
  • Websites that look contemporary to ‘Dancing Jesus’
homers web page
100% legit or your tin-foil hat is free

Once you switch from bad sources of information to good sources, and throw yourself open to believing any old shit (which you can rationalise as ‘being open-minded’) you’ll quickly realise how blind you were to the way the world really works and just how special you’ve become compared to the ordinary people.  Well, they do say it’s bliss.

But hold your horses! Before you run to your nearest Internet and start shouting absurdities at Al Murray you should really get your story straight. Perhaps start by asking yourself who’s behind it all.  There are so many choices, the world is full of shadowy organisations, real and imagined, quasi-governmental agencies, secret planners and schemers, groups that…oh, you’ve already decided it’s the Jews. Right, whatever, I’m sure the chosen people can take another one for the team.

Still, it’s important that you come across as a genuine seeker of truth, and not as, say, a massively racist piece of shit spouting lies to support their hideous anti-Semitic platform.  That can be tricky.

Check out this quick guide on how to give your deep-pile carpet, that’s played host to a million dog-shit stained jackboots, a lovely squirt of Febreeze…

Don’t say… Do say…
“Jews” “Zionists” (or “Lizards”, if you prefer)
“Jews are lying about the gas chambers” “It’s important that the Holocaust is subject to proper historical scrutiny”
“Jews have all of the money!” “The influence of international banking families is huge”
“And all of the land” “Zionist policies are strongly expansionist”
“Jews done 9/11!” “Official accounts leave many questions unanswered”
“Jews are mind-controlling my dog to spy on me having alone sex!” Er…you’re on your own with that one, mate
Look at Al, he’s completely baffled by your new, smart words. Al thinks you’re a real historian. Bless him.

Now that you’re the guardian of extraordinary knowledge and above the common herd there’s not much point just sitting on your own, smugly basking in your own superiority; you have to get out there and let the common herd know just how common they are.

Before the Internet this would have meant arguing down the pub, with a very real chance of getting your lights punched out good and proper.  It’s no coincidence that the word ‘sheeple’ didn’t appear until most arguments moved to cyber- (or ‘non-punchy’) space.

You should be prepared for a lot of people disagreeing with you. Don’t view arguing with them as a careful game of chess, think of it more as an endless game of draughts…in a draughts factory…where you have access to all of the draughts…and can just dump more and more draughts on the board to replace any of yours that are taken…and you don’t understand the rules of draughts…and fuck the other guy, because you’re right and will never, ever admit that you’re wrong.  If your opponent shoots down one of your ‘facts’ then hit them with another one – there’s always another web-site claiming something crazy, always another YouTube video offering undeniable proof, always another loaded question to ask.

Conspiracy belief is never saying “sorry”…or “I’m wrong”.

After all, you’re special.

2 thoughts on “So you want to be a conspiracy theorist?

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