Hello, and congratulations on your decision to vote [Leave/Remain] (delete as applicable) in the forthcoming EU membership referendum, I think we can all agree that you’ve made the right choice.

It’s not just about arbitrarily picking a side and spending the next 4 months wallowing in your own confirmation bias, no, it’s about you having the insight as to what is best for a diverse nation of 60 million people over the next 50 years – that’s 6 billion people years!

Nor is it just about sticking it to those [Eton posh-boys/unelected bureaucrats] (delete as inapplicable).  No, look in your welcome pack now for all of the latest facts and figures (1.5 million migrants over 5 years, £9,000/household/year – that’s £30k per British household per million migrants per year, compared with the national average salary of £26.5k/annum…astounding value or terrible rip-0ff, I think we know the answer to that, right?), comparisons with other countries that are in or out, with little or no contextualisation (Alexander the Great conquered the known world without joining the EU, but his empire couldn’t survive his death – an important lesson for us all on why you’re right).

We’ll list some celebrities who you like and who agree with you, dismiss some you don’t like, but who agree with you, as just being in it for their own gain, point out why some you like that disagree with you are making a rare and terrible mistake and completely ignore the ones that disagree with you that you didn’t like anyway.  Twats.

We can all agree that George Galloway is wrong, although independent observers may not agree on why he’s wrong.

We’ve devoted pages and pages to predicting things that are hard to predict and putting them into graphs to  make them science. At the back of the booklet there are 8 pages of assumptions, printed in 4-point font with no white-space…unless we dropped them for another couple of photos of what-do-you-call him smiling like a smug little shit.

There’s talk of trade deals that could be better, or worse, because you’re smart enough to know all about those trade deals, who we’ve got them with, who we might have them with, whether we’ll be stronger or weaker in the future.  That’s your specialist subject, isn’t it?  No way are you just waving a finger in the air and, bugger me, the wind’s blowing the way you want it to.

How about hospitals and schools and roads and trains and airports and weather and houses and bin collections and shops on the high street that aren’t just charity shops?  Are there enough of these things?  Or are there too many already?  Will there be more or less if we do what you’ve decided to do anyway?  We’re going to say “yes” and hope you don’t ask any more questions.

Oh god, you’re still reading! Can’t you just accept that you’ve make the right choice?  Look, Turkey’s coming in, Norway’s voted to stay out (twice), but then they might have to obey the rules anyway, Iceland killed all of its bankers and is now a paradise on earth, according to that Facebook meme you saw, if we’re out Scotland’s off and in, but maybe Greece will be OK, or something.

The final section of your [Remain/Leave] (don’t bother deleting, the arguments, these packs, the views, the level of rationality are all absolutely interchangeable) tackles the tricky questions, such as ‘Why did I form such a strong opinion about this?’, ‘Does anybody actually have a good grasp of this?’ and ‘Why are we wasting (a) drinking time and (b) the very minutes of our all too finite lives discussing this?’ (and if you can think of any reasonable answers to any of those questions then please get in touch for the next edition).

Finally, a warm welcome to the campaign.  We’re sure you know best.