Recently a few libertarian nut-cases are getting themselves a bit worried about our new, flag-ship Scottish Named Official Overseer Policy (SNOOP), even though we’ve done a logo for it and everything.

To show that we here at the SNP Scottish Government aren’t afraid of answering questions – however crazy they are – we’ve put together a once only chance for you to have a little Q&A.

What exactly is SNOOP?

SNOOP is designed to ensure that all Scottish children are properly looked-after by assigning each of them, from birth, a ‘named person’ who will monitor their development and well-being.  While this can sound like the state intruding into private life don’t think of the named person as a scary official…think of them as the child’s friend, their mentor, their confidant, their protector, and the person who enters all of their details into a giant database to which the state has full access.

What sort of details will my child’s named person be gathering?

The purpose of SNOOP is to ensure that every child has a happy, carefree childhood that allows them to grow up to be a full and productive member of the Scottish State.

To this end we’ll be tracking basic medical information, such as their height and weight, recording how they do at school, asking about their home life and gathering some ‘fun’ facts; like asking them what their favourite book is…and if it’s by somebody anti-Scottish we’ll be explaining why they shouldn’t buy any more of her stupid magic books.

What sort of questions will my child be asked about their home life?

For many people this is the scariest part of the plan, that people fear is no more than invasion of privacy by the state…whereas it’s actually quite a bit more than invasion of privacy by the state.  But there’s no need to worry, we’ll simply by asking your child if they’re happy, if their home life is stable, if there’s anything they’d like to talk about, if anybody at home has, say, talked to them about “inappropriate” subjects – such the meaning of the GERS report – or if they suspect somebody at home doesn’t support an independent Scotland or doesn’t plan on voting SNP.

The scheme isn’t creating a Scottish version of 1984, where Parsons is turned in by his own child for shouting, “Down with Big Brother” in his sleep.  No, it’s not like that at all.

Is the scheme optional?

Absolutely.  If you want nothing to do with your child’s named person then you need never speak to them and they won’t tell you what they’re up to.

They also won’t tell you what they’re up to if you do speak to them, so it really is up to you.

But can I opt out of the scheme altogether?

Absolutely.  If you don’t want to be part of the SNOOP scheme then simply don’t have children.

No, can I have children, but not be part of the scheme at all?

Whoa, it sounds like you’ve got something to hide, fella.  We’ll be looking into that really closely.

How long will data about my child be stored?

As long as we need it, obviously.  If it looks like your child is going to be one of those unionists come IndyRef5 then we might ask if they’d still feel the same way if it meant people hearing about how they still wet the bed when they were 9.

If, of course, it’s you that needs pulling into line then maybe some police officers will pop round and start asking you about a bruised leg your child had 20 years ago.  Can you explain that? Where were you that night? Are the clothes you were wearing still available for DNA testing?  Oh dear, it’s not looking good for you, is it?  You better accompany us down to the station.

Is anybody who opposes this policy a paedophile who wants children to suffer?

Absolutely, if they weren’t why would they oppose the scheme?  It’s not like we could spend this money more productively by focussing on children living in poverty, or concentrating on those we know are at risk…only by spending money we could spend better elsewhere can we chase a fantasy where every single child-abuser is caught, while actually letting more of them slip through the net.

What if my child doesn’t want to speak to their named person?

Oh, they soon will.  We’ll be tying the SNOOP policy into the SNP material that we’re already distributing to schools and matching it to a range of TV programmes aimed at children of all ages.

That’s on top of the cool prizes and rewards your children can win by reporting breaches of orthodoxy…up to a top of the range mountain bike if their parent is, or knows the identity of, Brian Spanner.

Is all of this legal?

That’s enough questions for now.  The time for questioning has passed.  Your children will be taught that questions are for answering, not asking.  Now tell them to go outside and play…it’s a cold, bright day in April and the clocks are striking 13.