Recently this blog guided you through how to become a conspiracy theorist. Hopefully in the couple of months that have passed since then your eyes have been opened to how the world really works, you’ve managed to amaze your friends with your secret knowledge and made a whole bunch of new on-line friends to replace the aforementioned real-life friends who abandoned you when you wouldn’t shut up about your secret knowledge/listen to reason.
Now it’s time to move on to the next level and build your own conspiracy theory. This can seem daunting – peeling back the layers of deception that cloak the world like an iron shroud and hold it in an invisible fist seems like a big job to tackle equipped with only 4 GCSEs, an ability to blindly trust badly designed web-sites and a copy of Structural Engineering for Dummies – however help is at hand.
Even though it’s the very model of lizard-serving, Zionist controlled, false flag waving Mainstream Media the BBC has produced a series of programmes telling you exactly how to build the perfect conspiracy theory. Naturally they can’t broadcast them as such – because then people would know – so it’s quite possible that you’ve already watched some of them and not realised. I refer, of course, to…
Every episode of Jonathan Creek has the same three key elements, which align exactly with the three key elements of a good conspiracy theory:
Jonathan – Jonathan may be a poorly dressed, socially awkward, slightly pedantic, poncy-permed pedagogue who is, literally, unlucky with the ladies, but he’s also erudite and effortlessly the smartest person in the room. He’s the man who can see a tiny square of insulating tape and unravel a complex kidnapping or see through a “pact with the devil” and see, er, the royal protection squad. Yes. Jonathan never takes anything at face value, he fathoms the inner truth, he shies away from physical confrontation, but it the equal of any in an intellectual bout. Go on, don’t be modest, you know that describes you.
Sidekick – Be it Maddy, Carla or Joey no Jonathan Creek episode is complete without somebody to act baffled and have the plot explained to them. Strange as it may seem this sidekick represents the role of the mainstream media in the conspiracy theory. They are normally the person who brings the mystery to Jonathan, but they will completely miss the clues that Mr Creek picks up on, be unable to explain events that are transparent to him and will take all explanations at face value. They’ll be incredulous when Jonathan mansplains what’s really happening and, even though they haven’t set off the obvious answer klaxon on QI as many times as Creek, they’ll get angry with him for his deeper understanding of the world, just like shills get angry with you when you explain the real stories behind major news events.
Mystery – Every crime, so the iron law of fictional cliché has it, must have a means, a motive and an opportunity. In TV detective land your Silent Witness or CSI may be all about digging around in the means, while Morse or Frost dig through obscured history to uncover lost motives, but Jonathan Creek is all about the clever villain creating an opportunity for themselves that disguises their involvement or makes their crime seem like something completely different.
This is central to every single conspiracy theory. The motive for doing it is unimportant – it’s probably just oil, world control or money. There’s no need to elaborate, or explain why people who already seem to have oil, control of the world and money would dream up such elaborate schemes to get more. Means, likewise, are pretty unimportant; for example, David Shayler claims that the US used missiles disguised as planes with hologram technology to perpetrate 9/11 and he still gets taken seriously by some people!
Even when the argument revolves around whether the twin towers were brought down with planes or laced with explosives and demolished it’s not really the means being discussed – nobody ever doubts the guilty party have access to whatever means they need, just as they do in Jonathan Creek, be it a life-size dummy of themselves or a statue of an alien made from frozen mercury.
No, it’s all about the opportunity, about being clever enough to spot how the magician is performing the tricks, even if it means a sequence of events so unlikely or so impossible to achieve alone that everybody other than you must be in on the magic. But that’s better than believing your crazy, mundane and irrational, right? You really would be up the creek without the twaddle.
One thought on “So you STILL want to be a conspiracy theorist?”
I still suspect you’re spying on me.