Need to get rid of some lefties who have taken over your party and are looking dangerously electable (because the polls say they haven’t got a hope in hell and polls are now always wrong)?

Not a problem, here’s how to construct a simple witch-hunt that will have them hounded out of power before you can say ‘Zionist’.

1. Arrange for a rising star of the party to share some questionable material.  This material needs to be risqué enough that you can later point to it as ‘anti-Semitic’, but not so far out there that somebody interested in politics might be able to spot that suggesting the forcible transportation of all Israelis to a new country might sound a bit…well, a bit like saying, “Get on the train; it’s taking you to your new home!”
2. Use so-far-right-they-wouldn’t-even-describe-themselves-a-as-Blairite blogger, Guido Fawkes, as your monkey’s paw to get these posts into the limelight at just the right time. Don’t use one of those journalists in the Zionist-controlled media to do it, because they’ve been banging on about the far-left’s anti-Semitism problem for months and months, so nobody takes any notice of them.
3. Use the journalists in the Zionist-controlled media to amplify the blogger’s claims of anti-Zionism, because they have huge influence and everybody takes notice of them.

4. Pray that natural leader of men, Jeremy Corbyn, dithers a little bit on how to react to the revelations, making him look, at best, weak and, at worse, unsure of exactly what is anti-Semitic, even when Labour supporters who are experts in anti-Semitism are yelling in his face.
5. Hope that Ken Livingstone decides to get involved, and then hope that Ken Livingstone makes a massive tit of himself, and then hope that Ken Livingstone rather than shutting up, pausing and then issuing a carefully considered apology, keeps on digging himself deeper into the shit.
6. Tell the chair of the all-party parliamentary committee against anti-Semitism that they need to be so angry about “Anti-Semitism” that they shout abuse at Ken Livingstone in public. Remember that the Labour party isn’t really anti-Semitic, so this will be manufactured outrage. (Bonus: It’s very unlikely, but possible, that natural leader of men, Jeremy Corbyn, will also dither about whether to suspend Livingstone or Mann, or both, or neither…but this is really too much to hope for).
7. Rely on the rank and file of the party, who are honour bound to defend truth and justice, to fill the ‘net with shouts that there is no anti-Semitism in Labour, that anything can be written off as just criticisms of Israel, that nobody uses ‘anti-Zionist’ as a shield for anti-Semitic comments and that any Jewish writers, or writers working for the BBC or the Murdoch press are “biased”. You can also rely on them to back up the factual accuracy of any little-studied historical events that Ken may have alluded to and they will have found the one Wikipedia article that proves he’s right.
8. Meanwhile, your Blairite supporters are such brainless sheeple that they’ll naturally take your lead and agree that the party is rife with anti-Semitism, despite all of the carefully considered social media posts from the left of the party, claiming that the Jews are framing them.  They’ll also probably only be familiar with the works of actual historians, biased documentaries masquerading as facts and basic educational texts, so they’ll be unaware of the Wikipedia article supporting and Ken and be convinced that he’s wrong.  Idiots.

9. Meanwhile, make sure the Zionist-controlled media keeping going on about the crisis, and make sure that natural leader of men, Jeremy Corbyn, keeps being uncertain about whether there’s a crisis, or what it’s actually about.
10. The party membership is now at each others’ throats. Things will be said that can’t be unsaid, the leader will look weak and the party can be regained by Blairites by [Insert conspiracy device here.  Aliens, perhaps]

Congratulations – in just 10 easy to follow steps you have regained control of your party, which is now fragmented, criss-crossed with deep wounds that will take decades to heal, tarnished with the stain of anti-Semitism and be unelectable.  Which is just what the Blairites want.

Next week: How to rig elections so that an “enormously popular” leader appears to do very badly.