SCENE 1

Int., a well appointed kitchen, naturally lit by early evening sunshine.

BALUSTRADE LANYARD is cooking. He is whistling happily and is wearing an apron printed with the Israeli flag.

A door slams off stage

BALUSTRADE:     (Calling out) Is that you, honey?

The sounds of somebody throwing things down, stomping round and slamming cupboard doors in another room can be heard.

BALUSTRADE:    (Still calling, but now uncertain) How’s your day been?  Good?

NATALIE enters the kitchen. Her hair is dishevelled, her clothes are torn and her face is dirty.

BALUSTRADE:     Not good, then?

NATALIE:     You are blocked from following @NatalieMcgarry and viewing @NatalieMcgarry’s Tweets.

BALUSTRADE:     Ten thousand pounds?  Oh, that’s a shame.  Still, it’s only money and that other money you found will help out, eh?

NATALIE:     You are blocked from following @NatalieMcgarry and viewing @NatalieMcgarry’s Tweets.

BALUSTRADE:    Really?  That’s barbaric…it’s like being placed in the stocks in medieval times. (Pauses) But, well, it is only for a fortnight and then you can delete it and forget all about this nonsense.

NATALIE shows BALUSTRADE the index finger of her right hand.

NATALIE:     (Sadly) You are blocked from following @NatalieMcgarry and viewing @NatalieMcgarry’s Tweets.

BALUSTRADE:    That’s a nasty blister. Let me get you some ice to put on it (he goes to the fridge to do so). You can still see my tweets, right?

NATALIE:     (Cheering up a little) You are blocked from following @NatalieMcgarry and viewing @NatalieMcgarry’s Tweets.

BALUSTRADE wraps the ice in a tea-towel and tenderly applies it to NATALIE’s finger.

BALUSTRADE:     (Chuckling) Oh well, I never tweet anything worth reading anyway.

A doorbell rings

NATALIE:     (Puzzled) You are blocked from following @NatalieMcgarry and viewing @NatalieMcgarry’s Tweets.

BALUSTRADE:     We’ve got that dinner party tonight, don’t you remember?  Gosh, you really are a scatter-brain, aren’t you?

NATALIE:     You are blocked from following @NatalieMcgarry and viewing @NatalieMcgarry’s Tweets.

BALUSTRADE:     I know, but they’re our friends, and having them round will help cheer you up.  They won’t be here late.

The doorbell rings again

BALUSTRADE:     You just relax, grab yourself a drink and I’ll go and let them in.

BALUSTRADE leaves the kitchen, NATALIE brushes herself down, runs her fingers through her hair and peeks into one of the pots on the range.

BALUSTRADE re-enters, followed by MO, GORGEOUS GEORGE and CHEGGERS. They are all smartly, but causally dressed. GORGEOUS GEORGE carries a bottle of Buckfast™

NATALIE:     You are blocked from following @NatalieMcgarry and viewing @NatalieMcgarry’s Tweets.

GORGEOUS GEORGE:     (Handing bottle to NATALIE) You are blocked from following @GeorgeGalloway and viewing @GeorgeGalloway’s Tweets.

NATALIE:     (Coyly) You are blocked from following @NatalieMcgarry and viewing @NatalieMcgarry’s Tweets.

MO:     You are blocked from following @MoAnsar and viewing @MoAnsar’s Tweets.

BALUSTRADE LANYARD, NATALIE, GORGEOUS GEORGE and CHEGGERS laugh long and hard at this brilliant joke.

CHEGGERS:     (Slightly sadly) You are blocked from following @KeithChegwin and viewing @KeithChegwin’s Tweets.

BALUSTRADE:     Oh you will, Cheggers, you will!

END OF SCENE 1

PLAY FULL-TIME WHISTLE

Audience gives standing ovation. Play runs longer than The Mousetrap. I win some kind of award, perhaps one of those play-Oscars…whatever they’re called.