What is The Canard?

We are a new media enterprise, designed to shake-up the stagnant business model of the Zionist-controlled main-stream media by going to any lengths to tell people exactly what they want to hear.  We promise to leave no stone unturned in our efforts to find out the truth (about what makes you click on the damn links).

Am I the right sort of person to write for The Canard?

Writing for The Canard takes a special kind of person, so consider the following question and then pick the most honest answer you can.

“When it comes to journalism I am passionate about…”

a. “…finding the real story, not just reporting the same as other news outlets.”

b. “…giving my readers the best possible information, even if it’s complex or challenges their biases.”

c. “…combining my world-class writing with my in-depth knowledge to create award-winning articles.”

d. “…having enough money to pay my loan-shark, before he demonstrates why he’s called ‘The Shylock of the bollock’.”

if you answered a,b, c or d then “Welcome aboard!”…unless you took at face value our advice to ‘pick the most honest answer’, in which case we might have a few problems between now and the point when you learn to read between the fucking lines.

How do I write for The Canard?

The Canard is based on socialist principles, so we’ve made the link between the money and the “talent” as direct as possible; every time somebody clicks on one of our links we get paid and you get paid, 50/50. A beautiful, pure socialist even split between you – the person doing all of the work – and us, doing other stuff…important stuff.

We’re certainly not encouraging you to write the most dreadful kind of click-bait, we’re just giving you the clear choice between the reward of writing truly great pieces of journalism or the much more tangible reward of not having to look through bins for half-eaten burgers.  So there’s your choice, ‘Woodward and Bernstein’ or ‘Kardashians and meal-time’.

What should I write for The Canard?

Obviously the gold-standard of journalism is ‘the truth’, but great philosophers have debated “What is truth?” for thousands of years without reaching a proper answer, so it’s unlikely you’re going to accidentally stumble upon it as you eke out your dwindling reserves of self-respect at £0.000007 per click.

What we can all agree on is that truth ≠ things that have happened.  For example, if somebody’s written about something in a blog, e.g. that the Tories eat children, then while the headline Cam the cannibal may not be literally true it is true that somebody has written about it, and if you’re reporting that then you’re reporting the “truth”.  Whether the source material is true is the concern of the blogger (and bloggers are notorious for rigorously fact-checking anyway, so it will be fine).

Remember that what we’re looking for here is a good headline to entice people to click, so don’t just limit yourself to ‘serious’ blogs; you can report equally easily on opinion pieces, parody pieces, small sections of real other news sources taken out of context, fictional books, dreams, etc.

And if all of those sources fail you then you probably still have enough wit about you to have an opinion.  It doesn’t even have to be an original or insightful opinion – you might even be better off avoiding those things. People get scared by the new and complicated, and those two words are direct synonyms for “original” and “insightful”, but “scared” and “likely to click and put a fraction of a penny in your pocket” are antonyms!

How do I maximise my income?

Play to what people want to read. If your headline is “Why David Cameron cannot win another general election” then your opinion that it’s “Because he is a cunt and I literally lack the wit to understand why anybody would vote for him” is a perfectly valid one.  Why write more than that, it’s not like you’re being paid by the word.

With that in mind always aim for conciseness. Take, for example, the turning of schools into academies.  This is a complex subject, some feel it is privatisation sneaking into state education, but there is a debate to be had over whether local authority control of schools has always produced the optimum results for children.  In juggling those competing view points you’ll want to cut to the nub of it with a headline like, “Why the Tories want poor children to fail!”

You get well paid when something you write goes viral and news articles that go viral are ones that confirm and support the readers’ beliefs.  We’re targeting supporters of Jeremy Corbyn, who already believe that they’re victims of multiple conspiracy theories, that Putin is on their side, that Daily Mirror polls prove something, that all other polls are always wrong in their favour, that the SNP are socialists, that the Zionists are fabricating anti-Semitism stories about them, that anybody right of Mao is a #RedTory, that taxing the rich is an endless source of money, that socialism is the righteous path to a promised land overflowing with unicorns and magic and even that Corbyn is electable.  We’d never belittle the intelligence of our readership, but you’re trying to get pre-school children to like you and you’re armed with chocolates, puppies and the soundtrack to Frozen.

What if it all goes wrong?

Don’t worry, we’ve got your back. Any criticism of you, or us, is part of a conspiracy and if we need some legal work doing we’ll crowd-fund it from indignant middle-classes who form our readership.  Or we’ll drop you quicker than Jeremy’s face when Hilary Benn starts speaking.

Won’t The Canard‘s readers spot this is all a soft-soap job?

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This is why we like you so much