[Note for younger readers and non-nerds: Before Alan Moore became famous for genre-defining graphic novels, such as V for Vendetta and Watchmen, he worked as a writer for the beloved 2000AD comic. He wrote many Time Twisters stories for them; standalone comic strips, of 6 or so pages, with a twist at the end, often, as the name suggests, involving some time-travel.
As part of this series he created the story of Waldo DR (Diminished Responsibility) Dobbs and his “barely sentient” friend, Ernest Errol Quinch – two alien juvenile delinquents who, in their first outing, used a time machine to shape all of Earth’s history, as part of an elaborate revenge scheme aimed at the dean who’d had them both suspended from college.
DR & Quinch proved so popular that Moore resurrected them to “go straight”, “go girl-crazy”, “get drafted”, “go to Hollywood” and “get back to nature”. Each of these series is a sparkling gem of near-perfect story-telling, written and visual humour, and satire that probably sailed straight over the heads of 2000AD‘s teenage audience (me, for example).
I really can’t recommend strongly enough that you invest the few pounds needed to read their collected stories.]
[Note for lawyers: DR & Quinch aren’t mine and I lay no claim to them. This is merely poor fan faction. Why not go and pick on 50 shades of grey for ripping-off Twilight instead, eh?]
Frame 1: Black
DR [Narrating]: Every college student knows that the greatest horror in the universe is when your alarm goes off too early on a Monday morning.
Frame 2: Int. DR & Quinch’s dorm-room, early morning. The room is a mess, much of it detritus from a party, but also some building rubble. DR is lying on the floor, in his underwear, surrounded by empty beer cans. Through an open door we can see into the adjoining bathroom, where Quinch is lying half-in and half-out of the shower, face up and mouth open, with the shower running into it.
Voice [from outside, over megaphone]: This is the galactic police! We know you’re in there! We have authorisation to mega-nuke this town if you do not surrender within 2 minutes!
Frame 3: DR is sitting up, nursing his head. Quinch is standing, looking at the (now very flat) person who was apparently trapped underneath him while he was passed out.
DR [narrating]: This totally unwarranted police brutality was down to an ambitious new police chief and a complete misunderstanding involving us, her 40th birthday party, her prize-winning collection of Arcturusian carp and an over-enthusiastic sushi chef.
Frame 4: DR is hopping one one leg, pulling his jeans on. Quinch is rolling up the flattened person.
DR [narrating]: Honestly, man, it could have happened to anyone.
Frame 5: From a different angle we see DR, now dressed, studying a large hole in the wall, while Quinch is trying to flush away the rolled-up corpse.
DR [narrating]: As luck would have it, last night we’d created a new garage for our rented time-flier, in what used to Dean Fusk’s son’s room.
Frame 6: The time-flier, travelling through time. Quinch is driving. DR, smiling, is standing on the passenger seat and popping the cork from a champagne bottle. There appears to be confetti in their wake.
DR [narrating]: As we made our get-away we solemnly honoured his memory.
Frame 7: The time-flier, approaching a planet, which is recognisably Earth.
DR [narrating]: Last time we visited this planet, in their year 1985, they were so amazingly primitive that the dirt-wads who lived there still thought 2000AD was an unimaginably distant future date.
Frame 8: The time-flier is now much closer to the planet.
DR [narrating]: I wonder if anything at all interesting has happened to them since then.
Frame 9: Interior, the Oval Office, day time. President Trump is sitting behind his desk, using his mobile phone.
Voice [calling into office]: 5 minutes until your press conference, Mr President.
Frame 10: The time-flier has crashed through the roof of the Oval, it’s nose and cockpit intruding into the room. The president’s desk has been blown over and Trump’s tiny feet change be seen sticking up from behind it. DR & Quinch are exiting the flier.
Frame 11: Trump and Quinch are face-to-face, in profile, creating a mirror image of each other and comparing their visual similarities.
Frame 12: Qunich’s arm is out-stretched, suggesting that he has just punched Trump. Once again, only Trump’s feet can be seen stick out from above his desk.
Frame 13: Kelly has entered the room and is looking at Quinch, apparently not seeing DR, Trump’s feet or the devastation all around.
Kelly: Come on, Mr President. You have to meet the press now.
Frame 14: Kelly has Quinch’s hand and is leading him, with a puzzled expression on his face, towards the door. DR is wearing a broad smile.
DR [narrating]: This was, like, the first time in my life I realised the truth of that old saying, the early bird gets the worm, man.