This week I invited my reader to submit their essays giving a ‘hot-take’ on the casting of the new Doctor, with the promise of publishing the best one right here,  on the world’s number 1 spreadsheet/religion blog.

Unfortunately me and my team have been unable to pick a winner, so this blog will not be appearing.

I hope the rejection letters below do, in some small way, explain this inexcusable editorial lapse.

Dear Mr Think of the Children,

Thank you for your submission to the ‘Doctor Who Hot Take’ contest. We found your article well-written and passionately argued. Unfortunately, however, it seems that you failed to carry out a Google search for the term “male heroes”, which would have comprehensively disproved your central tenet.

Yours, etc.

Dear Mr Slave,

Thank you for your submission to the hot-take contest. Your interpretation of Doctor Who as a series where the viewer takes the passive, female role and waits to be terrified and have aliens ‘mansplained’ to them was both novel and well-reasoned.

However, your development of these themes rendered your article entirely unsuitable for publication on a family blog and, should they make the transition into reality, seem likely to cause you serious internal injuries.

Yours, etc.

Dear Mr Angry-of-Taunton,

Regarding your recent submission to the hot-take contest; although we did not set an absolute word limit we rejected your entry at around the 15,000 word mark (just as your 3rd wife left you), because you hadn’t yet mentioned Doctor Who and there was nothing to suggest you were ever going to.

Yours, etc.

Dear Mr Anti-SJW,

Thank you for sending us your hot-take. Unfortunately, owing to a 3-minute downtime on our e-mail account, it was found to be stone cold upon arrival.

Yours, etc.

Dear Mr PC_Gone_Mad,

Thank you for your detailed imaginings on directions that new Doctor Who story-lines may take. Unfortunately we feel that questions like ‘How much menstrual blood does it take to drown a Dalek’ and ‘Can you strangle and Ice-Warrior with a bra’ are ones which we cannot answer, although we are rather worried that our readers may attempt to.

Yours, etc.

PS Sorry to hear about your PC problems. Perhaps try reinstalling Windows.

Dear Dr Whore,

Thank you for your extremely…inventive…entry. You certainly seem enthusiastic about the casting decision! However, we feel that the issues you raise would be better directed at the script-writers/the BBC wardrobe department/the police. Also, as pages 3-6 of your e-mail were stuck together, we had to reject your entry as incomplete.

Please DO NOT resend it. We’re happier this way.

Yours, etc.

Dear Ms Gal O’Frey,

Thanks for sending us your (very) short entry to the Doctor Who hot-take contest. While we agree with your sentiment (“Jesus, at least wait until she’s appeared in a episode before you decide, you pathetic man-babies”), we feel it’s hardly in the spirit of the thing.

Yours, etc.

Thank you to everyone for their entries. Almost everyone. Some people. God, we’re never doing this again!