History: As it happened

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Pre-history (before 55AD)

This was the time of druids, before proper Britain, when blokes had long hair and wore dresses and were into new-age shit, like stone circles. Best not to think about it too much.

The Roman Invasion

The Roman invasion was, technically, a bunch of foreigners coming over here and taking over, but they were the right kind of foreigners,because they were white, had smart haircuts, spoke Latin and didn’t have any problems with nailing hippy beatniks to a cross, to teach them a lesson. They also built a big wall, to keep foreigners out, and had no stupid health & safety laws about what food you could eat.

The Romans were generally a good thing for Britain, as we can see by the historical record, which shows that the only person who opposed them was some mad woman called, if I remember the documentary I watched correctly,Boobica.

King Arthur times

The golden age of Britain, where the rule of the King was absolute,and the king was picked by seeing who could pull a sword out of a stone. It’s amazing to think that our current Queen, long may she reign, is a direct descendent of Arthur and could still, at the age of 93, heave a sword out of a rock, if someone found one lying around.

Battle of Hastings (1066)

The beginning of the end. The French came over here and killed our king – and they’ve never apologised for it, ever! They brought over a load of French people, from nobles right down to plumbers and fisherman, who put native Britons out of work and stopped English being the lingua franca.
These French people had no staying power, so after the crusade (sort of Gulf War: The prequel) most of them stayed in France on the way back, making Britain properly English again.

The Magna Carta (1215)

The first, and most important, law. It established parliament, made all Englishmen free, legally made your home your castle, guaranteed free-speech, enshrined the power of a citizen’s arrest and granted decent men the vote.

This law was so important that it remained in force until the EU and treasonous Tony Blair conspired to have it revoked by the Maastricht Treaty.

Chaucer (1300ish)

A great English writer, famous for The Canterbury Tales of the Unexpected (also known as The Pilgrim’s Progress). Nobody really reads his stuff anymore, because it’s a bit shit and he wasn’t great at spelling, but that’s no reason not to feel proud of him for being English!

Battle of Agincourt (1415)

The stupid French hadn’t expected us to plan our revenge for King Harold for 349 years, but we did, and defeated them in what is widely regarded as the greatest military victory of all time, and with an absolutely smashing speech at the start of it.

Everything that’s happened in Europe since then has been part of France’s revenge plan for the absolute trouncing that we handed them.

Shakespeare times (1600-and-something)

Few Englishmen, other than maybe Winston Churchill and Albert Einstein, can be mentioned in the same breath as Shakespear. He was such a great writer that he made every English person born since better, just by association. Whenever foreigners get uppity, we can just remind them that we’ve
got Shakepeer, even if we’ve never read any of his books.

Birth of America (1975)

The United States, which was originally owned by England, decided to go it alone, rather than being ruled by an overseas government that they didn’t elect – the most laudable of goals. They founded a nation based on the rights enshrined in the Magna Carta, plus some sensible measures to prevent foreigners and people from bad religions ruining it for everyone. Thanks to the statesmanship of President Abraham Lincoln and Prime Minister ‘Lord’ North the split was amicable, and England and America have been best friends ever since. A friendship signified by their decision to almost use our language.

Napoleonic Wars

(Most of the 1800s)

Europe’s first big attempt to take control of Britain, which was,
thankfully, seen of by proud Englishmen, like Nelson, the Duke of Wellington
and The Scarlett Pimpernel. Britain utterly routed Europe (even though it was
us, alone, against all 27 European states), which would take 100 years to get
around to trying to take over us again.

The Industrial Revolution (1850-)

When we weren’t fighting Napoleon, we spent the second half of the 18th
century showing the world that we didn’t just have the best writer, we also
had the best engineers, the greatest visionaries, the most impressive designers and the fewest scruples about letting pre-school children work themselves to death in filthy factories. Because of this greatness we ruled the world, and had the Victorian Empire, which is universally regarded as a great success and something to be proud of.

World War I (1914-1918)

Germany’s first attempt (of three) to rule Europe. Nobody else put up
much of a fight so, as usual, we had to win the war all by ourselves. And
were the foreigners grateful? Were they bollocks! We freed Spain from the Hun
and all they gave us in return was flu! That’s how much Europe hates us!

World War II (1939-1942 [1st leg], 1942-1945 [2nd
leg])

The Krauts’ second attempt at controlling all of Europe, and the 2nd
time we had to beat them back, while the French and the Belgians surrendered.
Because Hitler had been building his army with EU funding, he was much stronger than us, and might have beaten plucky Britain if our great friends in America and Russia hadn’t helped out. This underlines how important it is that we side with those true allies, rather than Europe.

June 7th, 1975 – June 23rd 2016

The darkest period of British history, between the time England’s great peoples were tricked into voting to join the EU up until the glorious day when they were finally allowed to break free. Our glorious history, of which every born Englishman can be rightly proud, must never be surrendered to the Europeans!

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