Trans rights are big business at the moment…and by ‘business’ I mean likely to drive up the hit counter on your blog, which would be meaningless if you weren’t trying to style yourself as some sort of social influencer, in the hope that you might get some free stuff out of it.

For example, a recent blog of mine got 17k hits and already I’ve had an offer (from my wife, as she was leaving for work) to scrub the landing carpet with soapy water, because she thinks the dog has been sick on it. I can’t promise you the same celebrity life-style, but I’ll try to help.

The hot thing right now is, of course, to work in J K Rowling, because people know who she is and, as of a couple of weeks ago, probably have strong opinions about her. Because of this you’ll want to get her name right there in the title. Be careful, though, you don’t want anything that will reflect badly on you. During a libel case, for example. You want her up there in the title, but not associated it with it. J K Rowling, trans-rights and a load of spiteful old bitches, for example, is just fine.

It’s also fine to call her comments transphobic. You can defend that no problem, on the grounds that everything is transphobic. You could live your life alone in a remote mountaintop hermitage in Nepal, spending every waking moment in meditation and you’d still be transphobic, probably for not being inclusive enough.

Don’t forget to put the spiteful old bitches in the title as well because, funnily enough, they’re just as important as getting in Rowling. The Potteress is the hook to get people reading your blog, but you also want it shared widely, to up your influencer status and bring those offers flooding in.

Oh, excuse me while I crack open a refreshing can of Own Brand™ lager. Ahhh, delicious…and now on special offer at [insert$:local_store].

As I was saying, if you’re putting the boot into a few women then you can be fairly sure that a lot of a certain kind of people will want to share your piece. Doubly so if you happen to be a woman yourself, because it can’t be misogyny if a woman said it first. Men’s rights activists used to hide behind Spider-man masks and fake profile pics but have discovered that hiding behind a woman is far more effective.

Once you’ve got your Rowling mention in and thrown a few women under the bus you’re pretty much guaranteed your shares, and you can just coast the rest, by covering off the basic topics:

• Explain what a TERF is
• Point out trans folk just want their rights
• Pick a couple of the key arguments from the big chart of trans-rights activists arguments

The key thing here is avoid detail, while padding up your word count, so that you needed a whole blog and not just 3 tweets, and the longer it is the less chance there is that somebody will go through and dismiss it point-by-point. Every 500 words you add halves the chance that anybody will make it to the end. It will still get shared, so long as the bits people bother to read are saying the right things, but you’re making yourself rebuttal-proof.

For example, you’ll want to define what TERF means but you don’t want to go into what they’re excluding trans people from, because when you start mentioning women’s sports and such it all starts sounding pretty reasonable. Nor will you want to say that ‘radical’ in this context means that they don’t believe that people can be women just by saying that they are and claiming that their penis is now a girl-dick. Many of your less educated readers won’t know enough to believe that’s radical.

Instead why not rattle on about the origins of the TERF movement. Link it to the scepticism movement, link it to racial subjugation, link it to the Great Western Schism if you want, the important thing is only to sound like you know what you’re talking about and not to be talking about what the TERFs actually say, think or want.

Write, “The tradition of terfism dates back to…” and then paste in a GCSE history essay, if you want. As long as you put a few hyperlinks in people will assume it’s factual and well-researched.

And just keep going. The longer your article is the less chance anyone will take the time to debunk it (and if they do their reply will be too long for anyone to bother reading). However, you’ll want to skate over the topics like you’re John Torvill and Christine Dean. Say ‘trans-women are women’, but don’t explain what that means. Say ‘Trans rights are human rights’, but don’t touch on what rights they don’t have (and don’t go near what rights they want!). Throw in cool terms, like ‘lived experience’, which means that if we found another one of those Japanese soldiers still fighting World War II we’d all have to get back to air-raids, so as not to invalidate them.

Ultimately, as long as you’ve got the right title, the right stance and are hurling insults at the right people your piece is going to be shared and praised, even if paras 5-71 are ipsum lorem.

That’s it, really. Given the quality of the stuff that’s lauded by the TRA side of this debate it’s hard to imagine you need to do any more, so go write your piece, and I look forward to reading it.

Which reminds me, I really must clean up that dog vomit.